Wings of Revolution
by DayleLight
Summary: (Post ACWNR) The question of who will be Shadis' successor is a matter of great debate. Levi doesn't know if he can forget their rocky start enough to support Erwin, even if he thinks he's the better choice. Not that his support would matter. But as the infighting splits the company down the middle, it quickly becomes clear the choices Levi makes may matter more than he realizes.
1. Chapter 1

A world of fog and steam surrounded him. There was a hiss of white noise: the rain, which was lessening now, that had initially poured down from the sky like buckets were being emptied on their heads. The hard earth was by now so waterlogged that the rain pooled on the ground, running in small rivulets as though looking for somewhere to go. But there was nowhere to go. There was only this place, a world of water caged in by the whiteness of the fog.

The man took a tentative step forward and the cage moved with him. If it weren't for his feet on the ground, he would have felt rather disoriented. He could just see a few feet around him, which revealed only muddy water to slosh through, and some very sparse, wilted grass.

Beyond the fog, a few large, dark masses loomed ahead of him, crumbling and shrinking in size even as he approached them. They vented huge billows of steam. A waft of it hit his face and he cringed in surprise. The rain had chilled him down to the bone, leaving his ears and fingers numb, making his back ache from the stiff way he held himself as he tried to suppress the shivering. But the steam was warm from the titans' bodies. The contrast was strange, but not unpleasant.

He used the blurry, indistinct shapes of the titans' corpses as a guide as he moved forward. The shifting fog and steam roiling along the ground obscured visibility greatly, but still he pressed on. He was unsure what to do with himself, but he felt as though he had to keep walking. Perhaps if he went far enough, he would leave this dreamy world of white fog and mud behind.

As he walked forward, something slowly became visible through the fog.

He stopped and stared dumbly at the sight in front of him, a new kind of numb feeling creeping into his body and settling in his chest. This went beyond the kind of physical numbness he felt in his hands, or in his feet in their wet socks. This went straight to his heart, until he couldn't feel, or react, or think.

It was a head.

Suddenly everything came back to Levi: the sight of his squad fighting the titans, and all of them dying one by one. He had seen it, he had known what had happened, but in a way he hadn't really understood what he'd seen. Until now. Isabel stared up at him with unblinking eyes.

Levi dropped to his knees, letting more water seep into his boots and getting his white pants dirty, and for once he didn't care. He closed her eyes and just stared at her. A light breeze ruffled one of her pigtails.

"Hey! Are there any survivors out there?"

From the periphery of his vision, Levi saw the fog parting to reveal two figures on horseback approaching. He continued to watch, as a drop of water slid down Isabel's cheek, leaving a clear path on her muddied face, to her chin. He was frozen in place, waiting to see if it would drip.

"Levi! Are you the only one left?" It was Erwin.

The drop of water dripped off Isabel's chin. Levi forced himself to look up.

Erwin's short blond hair looked darker when it was wet, and it stuck to his forehead in a dishevelled state. His green cape was soaked and dirty. He looked distressed, or perhaps a little confused, like something had not gone his way that really ought to have. At the moment, Erwin looked less like the politically-minded, smug bastard Levi knew him to be, and more like just any other member of the Survey Corps.

"The corpses of these titans... you did this alone...?"

Levi felt something through the numbness, something hot that cut through the cold void that had settled in him, and roused him enough to make him move. It felt like a fire threatening to consume him, and Levi welcomed it. He remembered saying that he was going to kill Erwin Smith.

The thing burning in Levi at that moment was pure rage. In any other moment, Levi would have taken note of their positions to calculate the risks of a fight. Erwin atop his horse was six feet higher than Levi's crouching position, and Erwin had backup. But this was not any other moment, it was _that_ moment, and none of that mattered.

Levi lunged.

* * *

Chapter One

Levi was now the fifth member of this small band of riders making their way back to the main group. Around him was Erwin's squad; the other two had caught up to them shortly after they had set out. He stared ahead past the space between his mount's ears and focused on holding his seat. They were keeping a quick pace.

Much of that day was starting to feel like a dream. He had attacked Erwin, somehow tackling him off his horse and readying his blade in the same movement, too quick for even Mike to have been able to stop him. Levi knew that if he had swung hard enough, moved fast enough, he could have killed Erwin then and been done with it. But he had hesitated, just long enough for Erwin to block his blade and start talking.

When Erwin had started talking, Levi had blanked, unable to truly argue with him because he still felt like he couldn't think. Erwin didn't give him time to think, he just talked: about Levi's friends, about Lovof, about the Survey Corps. He had laid everything out so logically, explained all the details behind the business with Lovof, and had given all his reasons for why Levi should join the cause, and Levi had not had any idea what to do with all that information. Erwin had looked at him expectantly, like he wanted something from him, some kind of reply, but didn't he understand that Levi _couldn't fucking think?_

Levi had given up on trying to kill Erwin, and that had left him with no goal to focus on, so he had felt very lost. He couldn't even remember much of the conversation now, less than twenty minutes later. He remembered how it ended, though.

"We're going to rejoin the main group, and then we're returning to Shiganshina. Levi, you're coming with me."

There was no room for argument. Levi, who had no other goal to focus on, clung to that order like it was a promise. _Levi, you're coming with me._ He so desperately wanted to know what he should do with himself, so he made that order his goal. Levi would rejoin the main group. He would return to Shiganshina. He would go with Erwin.

"Squad leader! A titan, just ahead." One of Erwin's squad members who had been riding slightly ahead, the woman, fell back to relay the message. Levi had seen her once before, when these four had captured him, Furlan, and Isabel.

Soon they, too, could see it. Approaching them from their front-left corner, the titan was coming straight for them. If they continued forward, they would soon leave behind the cover of trees around them and any advantage they gave.

Before Erwin could make any orders regarding the titan, Mike rode up to them from behind. "A titan behind us. It was hiding in the trees, so not very big. 3-4 meter class, maybe. But I smell more."

"How many?" Erwin asked.

"It's hard to tell. All this rain - everything smells like water. And it's washed away some of their scent."

"Stay at the rear, but not so far back. We'll try to outrun the one you saw, but kill it if you deem it necessary, and let me know if you sense any others following us. I don't want to lead them back to the rest of the Corps."

"Sir." Mike began pulling away from the squad.

"Emil! Cover Mike," Erwin said, and the third man of the group pulled back from the right front point and followed Mike's lead.

With both the riders at the point having pulled back, Erwin was suddenly at the front. He spoke to the woman riding beside him. "Sophie, you and I will have to take care of this one." The titan ahead of them had started making its way through the trees.

Erwin turned to look directly behind him, where Levi rode, staring straight ahead with no expression on his face. "Levi." Levi's eyes shifted to Erwin and focused on him, but he said nothing. "Keep riding forward no matter what. I want you to keep us on our course." Levi nodded and then he looked ahead again, his eyes glazing over as they gazed into the distance.

Erwin and Sophie switched to 3D manoeuvring and zipped into the treetops above them. Levi rode past the titan as they engaged it, and he soon broke free of the treeline and undergrowth, Erwin's and Sophie's horses riding out with him. Levi did not look back to see if Mike and Emil still followed closely, or if the titan was down and everyone was safe, or if other titans had made appearances from the trees. If he looked over his shoulder and saw something bad, he didn't know what he would do about it. He didn't want to make any more difficult decisions today, so he just did as he had been asked. Levi thought bitterly that this was the closest he would probably ever come to being a good, obedient soldier.

From behind him, someone started whistling and the horses next to him slowed down. Shortly after, Erwin was seated atop his horse and had urged it ahead to catch up to Levi. "It's possible there are more titans around that ridge," Erwin said, pointing ahead to where the uneven ground created a ridge that blocked their view of much of the low valley beyond. "I want you to keep riding straight, no matter how many there are, unless I ask you to stop. Can you do that?"

Levi pulled his eyes away from that now-familiar spot between his horse's ears to return Erwin's look. The squad leader observed him with that calculating, icy blue gaze of his that made Levi feel like he was being read. Levi nodded.

"We're going to get back. If you can put your trust in me, I can get you home."

Under normal circumstances Levi might have had something snarky to say in reply, about how Flagon's squad didn't get to go home, or about him not needing Erwin's protection. Since he wasn't in the mood for it, he focused on the horizon and the ride ahead, reminding himself that Erwin had a track record for getting his soldiers home safely. Levi didn't want a fight; he wanted to get back alive.

Erwin turned to the other members of his squad and ordered them back into a formation. Mike rode ahead to the front, Erwin next to him. Emil and Sophie rode on either side of Levi. Levi realized absently that Erwin was keeping him at the centre and it felt claustrophobic. Did he really not trust him to do something so simple as ride straight? Sophie in particular kept side-eyeing him, and Levi couldn't shake the idea that she and Emil were here to keep him in line. He felt another hot flicker of his earlier anger.

They passed by the left side of the ridge, where the ground sloped downward to the valley. A long stretch of shadow blanketed this side of the slope. Levi didn't look around him, but there was an eeriness to the place, a stillness, the kind of off-putting lack of disturbance from birds or insects that told him what to expect even before he saw them.

Three titans were standing in the shadowed space behind the ridge, turning to the group of riders coming into view with those characteristically stupid faces. They immediately began to approach, the largest one, about 10 meters, making huge strides once it had struggled to its feet.

The titans would be on them soon. But that wasn't Levi's problem. He had been asked to ride straight, and that was what he would do.

Levi saw Mike pulling to the right, as Sophie and Emil dropped back, and the three surrounded the largest titan, Mike clearly aiming to get behind it. The titan's enormous foot swung dangerously close to Emil, whose horse reared onto its hind legs and made an impressive leap to the side, avoiding it by a hair's breadth - the corner of the saddle blanket could be seen whipping back as the titan's toe brushed it.

Emil pushed himself up out of the saddle and deployed his 3DMG in the same movement, sinking a hook into the titan's hip. He made a dangerous arc towards the ground as gravity pulled him down quicker than his grappling hook pulled him in. As he reached the ground, he touched down with both feet, kicking himself forward to stop from crashing, just before the grappling wire finished pulling him up to the titan's side.

And then the action was behind him. Levi resisted the urge to turn his head and see what was happening. Levi's horse, trained to try to keep in formation at all times, followed the front horse's lead and broke into a full on canter as soon as Erwin's did. Then Erwin veered to the left and yelled at Levi to do the same, probably to avoid running into the cluster of nearby trees they had now placed on their right side. Loud sounds behind them alerted Levi to a titan trailing them, and he had to assume one of the three from before had broken away from Mike and the others. Getting behind it from here would be awkward, so it seemed Erwin was hoping to outrun it until one of the others could give them backup.

At the speed they were going, the tall trees and brush on Levi's right were starting to blur into streaks of green and brown. The only clear focal point Levi had was the line of the horizon. Then, as they began to pull up a hill and gained a better vantage point, their destination came into view.

"Shit."

That knocked Levi out of his stupor. In the time Levi had known him, Erwin had always presented himself as polite and in control. Levi had to agree with him though, watching the unsuspecting soldiers ahead of them pause at their approach, and some of them leap into defensive positions. They had finally reached the main formation, on its way back to the base. Exactly where Erwin had said he didn't want to lead any titans.

Erwin looked back, but not at Levi. There was a focus in his eyes that Levi had not seen there before, but recognised all the same. There would be no time to wait for the others to give them backup.

Quickly, Erwin turned them around the bend of trees, aiming away from the weary soldiers and their supply carts. Erwin looked directly at Levi now. "Levi. Ride straight." And just as the line of trees creeped close enough to their right that Levi would have considered ignoring that command and swerving to avoid them - the thick undergrowth could lame their horses, there could be titans in the trees - Erwin deployed his 3DMG and pulled away into the branches.

Where the fuck was he going? Levi thought Erwin had gone into the trees to gain a better vantage point on the titan, but as precious long seconds ticked by with no mechanical clicks or whirring of the grappling wire, Levi began to doubt that.

Levi didn't bother trying to lose the titan or use his gear to escape to the trees. He had nowhere to go. It wasn't lost on him that Erwin had turned them away from the supply carts and the soldiers, only to check out. Levi was on his own. He had no delusions that he had any friends here. No one wanted him around; even Erwin had abandoned him.

In his own stubbornness, Levi didn't think of it like he was giving up. He didn't really understand the idea of "giving up," anymore than he understood what it meant to "try." You either did things - because you had to, not because you wanted to - or you failed. Levi was tired of feeling like he always had to do everything, because then he was responsible for fucking everything up. Like with his squad. He had tried to do everything on his own, and now here he was, alone, and trying to outpace a titan that sounded like it was gaining on him. No, he wasn't giving up, he was just choosing a different course of action.

What had Erwin said? " _If you can place your trust in me, I can get you home."_ Well, Levi was past having any fucks left to give, and so he thought that if Erwin hadn't left him here like an asshole, he might have placed his trust in him, just because. As it was, Levi was so tired of making decisions for himself that he decided to follow Erwin's orders, whether he could trust him or not. When he finally allowed himself to single-mindedly focus on this goal - _follow Erwin_ \- he felt a sense of freedom.

With every step the titan took, its legs drew so dangerously close he could feel the heat radiating from its body. Levi felt an urge to close his eyes and block out the world, but he refused to do so. He was pretty certain that he was about to die, and he wanted to do it with his eyes wide open. Somehow, it seemed more dignified.

Isabel's wide eyes flashed into his mind.

Levi's hands had started shaking so hard that he was distracted, and almost didn't hear the mechanical zip of the 3DMG's grapple. He saw a titan's huge hand frighteningly close to him, but in that same moment, he heard a sharp and recognizable sound, the sound of blades tearing through flesh, and the hand continued forward past him, the arm flopping lifelessly to the ground.

Levi's horse jerked forward like something had struck her on the rump. As she began to rear, Levi tried to rein her in, giving a panicky _shh_ that probably did not soothe her at all. Levi wasn't much in the mind to soothe anyone.

In the midst of this, he finally looked back over his shoulder. He had been wrong; it was not one of the titans they had left with Mike. This one was at least 15 meters from the looks of it, and Levi didn't remember enough of titan behaviour to know for sure, but he thought maybe it had been acting a bit like an abnormal, ignoring the huge group to chase him like that. A trail of gas could still be seen in the air, swooping in to where the titan's neck must have been, and forward, past Levi.

When Levi looked ahead once more, he saw Erwin dropping from a tree, the blood coating his twin blades just starting to dissipate. He sheathed them and strode purposefully towards Levi, whose horse was still shaking her head and pawing at the ground in agitation. Erwin reached for the bridle and smoothed a hand down the mare's nose, calming her almost instantly. Erwin's gaze locked with Levi's, and the intensity of it confused Levi for a moment. Was he angry?

"Sorry I took so long. Let's get back to the others."

* * *

The night had brought a chill that settled deep into the stone building the Survey Corps was using as their checkpoint, along with a pallid blue light that filtered through the narrow windows in bars. The rain had long stopped, but there was still a dripping sound from the eaves and nearby trees.

The room was filled with the constant sound of many people breathing together, and it was somewhat calming. Even still, Levi was not asleep, but lying face up, looking at the stripes of light and shadow amongst the support beams.

They had turned around and gone back the way they had come, without bothering to use the new scouting formation. Other than having to care for their gear and their horses, soldiers had been given free leave to do as they wished, most just eating and settling down to sleep. Levi had pulled his sleeping bag into a corner and laid down immediately, without bothering to eat. Erwin's squad had laid out their things nearby, and Emil had told Levi that if he needed to borrow some clothes Emil had an extra set. Of course, Levi had not said anything, or gotten up, and Emil had left him alone.

Now Levi sat up and glanced over the sleeping forms around him. Looking at himself, he suddenly realised how dirty he and his clothes were. He couldn't believe he had laid down like this. He reeked of body odour and his feet had been in his wet socks for so long they were starting to feel wrinkly and itchy, and they smelled. His pants had dried stiff with the muddy water. Under the leather jacket, his shirt had not entirely dried, and it clung to his skin.

What stood out to him most was the blood on his clothes and hands. Still there was that sense of being unable to think, the sense that there was more to what he was seeing than he could understand, and it was frustrating.

Fear filled him at the sight, even as he stood with the intent of finding a place to wash off, rationalising it to himself. He should expect the blood, after all the titans he had killed, and he had been covered in more blood before. Although Levi had talked himself down from such feelings of panic before, it wasn't really helping today. The only thing to do, then, was to wash it off, before he could begin to forget.

Some people were still awake and he saw heads turn his way as he moved. Erwin was among them, sitting with Shadis and a few others at a small table in one of the far corners. A single oil lamp burned low at that table, bathing them in a golden light that contrasted with the blue shadows. There was Erwin's intense gaze again, and Levi was reminded of Erwin dropping from a tree, bloodied blades in his hands. Bloodied blades that had quickly become clean.

Levi paused midstep, unable to breathe. He was overcome with the feeling that he wanted to crawl out of his skin, because it was so dirty there was no way it could ever become clean.

Titan blood evaporated.

"Levi!" someone called from behind him as he stormed out of the room and down a hallway.

"What is he -"

"Don't worry. I'll take care of it." It was Erwin. Footsteps padded heavily down the hallway after him, but at a leisurely pace. Levi was too distracted to be annoyed at being followed.

Levi tore open doors one after another, not knowing what he was looking for anymore, but knowing he would recognise it when he found it. Finally, one door opened to a room with water containers, a few tubs, and piles of filthy clothes against the wall. This must have been the room the others had been using for baths.

Levi began to strip, tossing his clothes aside and heading to one of the tubs. He dragged over one of the water containers and emptied it into the tub, then took a towel from a nearby bench and dunked it in the water. He did not check to see if the towel was even clean, since the tub had seen better days, and he was pretty sure he was using rainwater anyway. He began scrubbing at his face, and the towel came away maroon coloured - dirt and blood then.

He splashed more water on his face until it seemed somewhat clean, then peeled off the last of his remaining clothing and climbed into the tub, scrubbing furiously at his skin, his hands and forearms in particular, until the grime was gone. The water had gone a rust colour, and Levi stared, horrified, at the swirling red, thinking to himself that he had just washed off the last thing he had that remained of his family.

Levi soon got a hold of himself and climbed out of the tub of dirty water. Then he got another water container and filled yet another tub. As he climbed in, he heard a noise at the door and turned to see what it was. He was expecting Erwin, but it was Emil instead.

Emil walked in and put some things on a bench. There was a clean towel, some folded clothes, and something wrapped in a cloth. "I thought you might want to change here, rather than come back to the common room naked, so I brought you some clothes. I didn't see you bring any." Emil then headed for the door again. "And there's soap. If you need it." He left and closed the door.

Rather than ease fully into the tub, Levi stepped back out and headed for the bench. He grabbed the small wrapped object and began unwrapping it. As he expected, it was the soap. He took it back with him and as he used it, he began to feel a little better. The idea of soap was calming, giving him the sense of being actually clean, and he felt his breathing slowly return to normal. He even washed out his hair. He left the bathtub feeling totally detached from the events of earlier that day.

After towelling down and wrapping up the small bar of soap, Levi picked over the clothes Emil had brought him. Levi was used to having only one set of clothes, like many people from the Underground, even if he did keep them cleaner than most other people he knew. Since he hadn't planned on the Survey Corps' expedition lasting long, he had not thought to bring a change of clothing. These were probably Emil's then. It explained why they were too big for him. Levi shrugged them on anyway, rolling up the sleeves and pant legs, then grabbed his boots and jacket and began wiping them down. He left with his jacket and boots in one hand, the soap in the other and the towel slung over his shoulder. He had left his old clothes behind; they were beyond salvaging at this point.

When Levi reentered the common room where most people were sleeping, he attracted less stares this time. He saw Emil at the table where Erwin and Shadis both still sat. Emil and Erwin were talking quietly, and seriously from the looks of it. Levi made his way over to his corner, stopping on the way to put the soap down with Emil's things, and the towel, once he had folded it.

When he got to his sleeping bag in the corner, he wrinkled his nose in disgust at the state of his blankets. Dirt had crumbled off his dirty clothes and gathered in the folds, and there were bloodstains. He picked up the bedroll by both ends and carried it away, being careful not to get any dirt on the ground near his sleeping area. He glanced in Erwin and Emil's direction and caught Erwin's eye.

"Do you need another sleeping bag?" Erwin asked.

Levi gingerly placed the filthy blankets against the wall, away from everyone, and nodded. Erwin pushed himself out of his chair and made his way to a different room. It was suddenly awkwardly quiet as Erwin's companions went silent, and tried hard not to stare at Levi.

After what seemed like a very long couple of minutes, Erwin returned, a new sleeping bag draped over one arm. He handed it to Levi and placed his hand on Levi's shoulder in a friendly gesture that seemed a bit forced. "Get some rest."

Levi made his way back to his corner and settled down, extremely self-conscious of any noise he made. The soldiers sleeping around him seemed too deeply asleep to notice, clearly exhausted, and judging from all the people sitting up, it seemed that those who couldn't sleep had already given up.

Levi shuffled into the sleeping bag and turned towards the wall, curling in his legs. He let his eyes fall closed and tried to focus on that rhythmic sound of breathing around him, to keep himself calm. He wasn't about to hope too strongly for sleep tonight, though lying down still seemed like a good idea, so when Levi next opened his eyes, he instantly felt disoriented. It felt like only a moment had passed, but the room was bright with sunlight. He sat up, squinting his eyes against the ray of sunshine that bathed his face. He had actually slept. He supposed that was for the best, but he couldn't help but be disappointed that he didn't feel very refreshed.

The soldiers made their preparations quickly, a necessity if they wanted to avoid any titans that would be waking up with the sunlight. By the time Levi had awoken, they were mostly ready to go. He rolled up his sleeping bag and strapped himself into his gear and boots, then headed to the stables. The supply carts were already loaded, and horses were being harnessed to them. Some of the more experienced squads that made up the vanguard seemed to already be gone, probably watching the perimeter for titans.

Erwin's squad, with the exception of Erwin himself, were standing together talking, their horses already saddled up. Levi saw that his own black horse was standing with theirs and Sophie was buckling up the girth strap. When she was done, he made his way over and mounted, then started adjusting his 3DMG straps and jacket to avoid conversation.

"Oh, hey. We were just going to send someone to go get you," Sophie said to him. "We'll be leaving as soon as the carts are ready to go. Erwin said you'll be riding with our squad."

There was an awkward pause as she gave Levi the chance to respond.

"I don't know if you had time to eat, but I figured you probably wouldn't, so I got you this." Levi looked down at the proffered bread roll. Just as he reached for it, Erwin's voice grabbed the squad's attention.

"Everybody up. We're heading out behind the first supply cart."

Levi took the bread roll and watched as Sophie, Emil and Mike quickly mounted their horses and arranged themselves into a formation, placing Levi in the centre again. Erwin rode to the front and turned his horse to face the open gateway in front of them. As the first supply cart began rolling out, they followed behind, at a fairly relaxed pace for now. Levi took the opportunity to eat his breakfast, knowing the comfortable speed may not last.

The first few hours of riding they did not encounter any titans. As the sun rose higher, chasing away the remains of the early morning chill and further brightening the sky, titans could be seen on the horizon around them, making their way towards the large group.

They were still not using the scouting formation. Levi was unsure if it they were choosing to avoid it because of the catastrophic outcome the previous day or because they simply did not have enough soldiers left for it to work. The Survey Corps fell back on what Levi had been told during his training was their standard formation.

It was a strange arrow-shaped formation that was denser in soldiers at the front point than at the sides or back to make up for the higher encounter rate at the point. The supply carts moved in a single file straight down the middle, quite a ways back, to give the front point time to take out any titans they ran into before the carts caught up. The extra horses were kept in the gap between the vanguard and the supply carts, where they were in easy reach of a majority of the squads. Erwin's squad was currently on cart defence, where Flagon's squad had been before, which, just like in Erwin's formation, was one of the safest places to be.

"Erwin, we've got titans coming from the east. A good number of them," Mike said around noon. It was the first anyone in their squad had said in hours. Levi wondered if they were always this quiet.

"Mike, could you go talk to Shadis about it?" Erwin asked.

"OK." Mike rode ahead to the front of the supply carts where the commander was. Levi eyed the eastern horizon to see if any more titans could be seen running over the hilltops, but at the moment there was nothing. Mike's nose sure was handy, especially without any major scouting capabilities.

A short time later, Mike had returned to them and Levi saw soldiers from the front falling back to fill out the right flank. Levi kept his eyes locked to the eastern horizon, waiting to see any signs of titans.

Levi had eaten his bread roll already, but he was still hungry, and the crusty bread had made his throat dry, so he began fishing around his saddle to find his water bottle, keeping his gaze up. He wanted to see them as soon as they showed up; Levi felt oddly vulnerable when he couldn't see a threat, and there was a certain morbid curiosity in him as well. For some reason, he needed another good look at the monsters that had killed his family.

He was gulping his water - when there was little food, drinking more water could help fill an empty stomach and give some temporary relief from hunger - when he saw the first titan.

Levi pulled his water bottle away a little too quickly, and spilled some on his shirt front. Meanwhile, the others had seen the titans too, and suddenly there was a flurry of voices and movement around them as people reorganized themselves. It was quickly clear that there were many, as Mike had said. A group of seven of them had already come into view, and were coming towards the formation like they had heard them from afar.

Did they travel in packs? It always seemed like they showed up in groups, which was not good news for the soldiers tasked with taking them out. Luckily, Wall Maria could already be seen ahead of them, so they wouldn't have to fight them off for the rest of the day.

One of the titans was stupidly waving its arms above its head. Levi couldn't take his eyes off of it. Titans were terrifying and disgusting, but at the moment, he couldn't help but notice how ridiculous they looked. Like fat naked men with huge grins, skipping along and flailing their limbs in their individually goofy ways. It only made them seem more disturbing, to notice the complete lack of anger or maliciousness in something so violent.

As the titans neared, the riders on the right flank actually seemed to part around them, but Levi figured that was so they could get the titans surrounded. People were soon whirling through the air in a complex dance of twisting limbs, flashing blades, and taut wires, smoky white trails of steam ejected from their canisters tracing their paths in arcs. One short titan that had managed to get by the first row of soldiers was now running towards the first cart. Mike pulled hard to the right and urged his horse to go on a path that would lead him to right behind the titan, but it didn't look like he would get there fast enough to stop it reaching the cart.

Erwin hadn't given any orders, so it must have been a given that his squad could do as they needed to protect the carts. Levi slipped his feet from the stirrups and bent one knee under him, preparing to use his 3DMG to get on top of the cart in front of them: it was the only available thing to grapple onto that would give any height, and from there, he could probably aim for the titan's side, then swing around to the -

"Levi, what are you doing?" Erwin was looking at him, but his face was unreadable in the short moment Levi had to see it before the squad leader turned back to the titan. "Let Mike handle it."

But Mike wouldn't make it in time. Levi looked at the titan, bracing for the inevitable destruction when it crashed into the cart and its horses, only to see Mike flying upwards, expelling a lot of gas in order to get the height he needed, and going far faster than Levi had expected. When Mike had gotten just a bit higher than the titan's shoulders and neck, he hooked onto the shoulder behind him and snapped back and down, putting all his speed and weight to good use to easily slice out the back of the titan's neck.

The titan fell to its knees, then began tilting forward. The cart had passed it before its head hit the ground, but the plumes of dust it tossed up with its fall wrapped over Sophie, who had been at the back. She flapped her arm in front of her face to wave away the dust, but otherwise seemed unconcerned.

Levi was actually impressed. He'd known the Survey Corps had the best soldiers, and that Mike was very good - he could attest to it from their encounter before - but it still surprised him. Their moves and speed were nothing he couldn't do himself, but until the day he'd run into these guys, they were things he had never seen anyone else pull off.

The right flank was still under pressure from titans and Levi saw a few people struggling with the very same one that had caught his attention by waving its arms earlier. He watched as the titan snatched a soldier right out of the air. Before anyone could do anything about it, it had brought the soldier to its mouth and bit his head off.

There were screams - Levi supposed there would always be screams when something like that happened, no matter how many times these soldiers had seen it - and there was blood running down the dead man's arm, onto the titan's hand. The rest of the man's body was soon stuffed into that huge, gaping mouth. The titan had stopped, savouring its meal, yet Levi couldn't stop staring even as they rode by it. Sophie, who was still behind them, rode into his field of view.

"Hey, keep your eyes forward. Trust the others to take care of it." As soon as she had blocked his view of the action, Levi had relaxed, not sure why he had been fixated on the gruesome sight. He would have followed her advice - maybe - except for what he then saw over her shoulder.

Sophie must have noticed his eyes shift focus, or perhaps heard the commotion, because she soon glanced over her own shoulder. "Shit." She turned back to him and gave him a sheepish grin. He made out enough of her words to guess that she had probably made a casual joke about not always being right, but _usually_ they would be able to take care of it, but he couldn't hear her over the people behind them yelling, and then she was addressing someone else.

"Emil!"

"I see it!"

An abnormal that moved mostly on all fours had leaped over many of the soldiers on the right flank and landed in the midst of the formation. A few soldiers had been knocked over under its weight, and Levi could hear the horses' panicked whinnies as they struggled away, more than one with devastating-looking limping and other injuries. The second cart had been knocked over, tilted on its side, one of its horses partially crushed under it, another horse turned sideways with the cart, struggling to free itself from its harness.

The formation had ground to a halt. They had not been going especially fast before, but they were now at a complete standstill, and the carts behind the one that had crashed were turning this way and that to fan around the crash site and avoid getting caught up with the titan.

A young woman with an obviously broken leg, who was trying to crawl away, was picked up and bitten in half.

Emil and Sophie were soon there. Sophie had actually grappled to the abnormal's hand, even though it was right next to its face, slicing off some fingers, and the female soldier's remains fell away. Levi figured Sophie had probably been trying to save that soldier, but had not been fast enough. Emil shot up next, slashing at the other hand as it tried to grab him, and Sophie took the opportunity to get to the back, soon slicing at the titan's neck.

The squad that had been behind the second cart had just made their way around, and they froze as they saw the titan fall dead. There was no time for relief. They soon joined in with those protecting the right side of the carts from the titans.

Levi tugged at his horse's reins in order to face the fighting, and as soon as he had, Erwin had immediately appeared right at his side. Erwin held out one hand slightly, as though to block Levi from joining in the action. "It's almost over. There's no need for all of us to jump in."

Levi wasn't sure how he felt about the fact that Erwin did not seem to want him fighting, even though that was why he had brought Levi here. It made Levi feel more useless and out of place than he had since the days with Kenny. But Erwin was right. Even in the time that Levi had spent pondering the wisdom of Erwin's keeping them back, it was over.

They had a chore ahead in dealing with the crashed cart. The soldiers who had been in the fighting took the opportunity to relax, and kept watch, while the others gathered the casualties, provided aid, and attempted to salvage the second cart.

Erwin had ordered Levi to help with the cart, then went to see Shadis. Levi dismounted and made his way towards the crashed vehicle, where it was absolute chaos. There were too many people, all talking over each other, and supplies and debris from the cart spread around in a mess, everything covered in mud. Too bad the ground had not yet fully dried.

Some people were holding onto the struggling horse caught in its harness at the front of the cart as one man cut away at the leather to free it. On the other side, the horse that had been crushed under the cart was apparently still alive. A man with a goatee was kneeling beside it, but he stood as Levi approached.

"There's no way she'll make it back, and she'd be put down anyway. We gotta do it." He appeared to be addressing the people standing beside him. He took one of his 3DMG handles and clicked a blade into place, sliding it from its sheath.

A young woman said, "I can't watch. I hate when they have to kill the horses."

Was she serious? Levi stared at her indignantly as a pained look crossed her face. People had died today, some of them were still dying, he could hear their crying. But this girl was upset about the fucking _horse_? There was always some whiny, bleeding heart -

"Geez, I…" The soldier had lowered his blade. He had clearly lost his nerve. The others nearby had apparently never had any to begin with. At the sound of the horse's pained noises, Levi decided to do them all a favour.

Levi strode over and clicked a blade onto his own handle, swung it out and slashed the horse's throat. For one second, she let out a high pitched squeal that didn't really sound like a horse, but then was mercifully silent. The gasps and cries of the onlookers, unfortunately, did not stop.

He remembered being told that there was no humane way to kill a horse with a knife, the proper way was to shoot it, but they didn't have guns. Well he had done the best he could, although he may have gone a little overboard in his effort to ensure he wouldn't need another stroke. Levi clicked a button on his handle to release his bloodied blade and let it drop to the ground. Then he went to help pick up supplies like he'd been told to.

The chaos was soon under control as squad leaders arrived and began giving orders, telling people to move out of the way, or do something in particular, or stop talking. The injured were carried away to other carts, and the horses had been accounted for, the severely injured ones put down, many others tied up in a train to be led back home. Things soon grew more quiet.

There were some heavy boxes that were moved to other carts, but a lot of stuff ended up being left behind and the cart was abandoned. Some soldiers, including Levi, pushed the debris to the side so it wasn't blocking the path. This area was not paved, but being so close to Wall Maria, the path had been travelled enough that they had worn a trail into the ground that was clear and fairly even, so it acted a bit like a road. It was worth keeping open for future expeditions.

Everyone mounted up, and the squads rearranged themselves into a slightly different formation that protected the rear more than the front and put the carts and horses much further ahead than before. It was the one they used when about to reenter the city. _They were going to reenter the city._ The squads that had been in relative safety before swapped places with those from the front point and the right flank, leaving Erwin's squad somewhere near the back. There were two rows of squads behind them, but it still felt oddly open to be so far back, and not surrounded by the carts, after those hours of cart defence.

When they set out, they were moving much more quickly. There were apparently some titans that had been seen behind them, and they were hoping to outrun them. Levi was getting fed up with how the titans were such a constant nuisance. How did anyone put up with this? The threat was never ending.

The titans were getting awfully close when Wall Maria suddenly loomed over them. Levi was startled at how close it now was; he must have not been paying attention for it to have happened without him even noticing it. It didn't even feel real, in a way, the thought of going back to the cities after all of this. This had become his world for a short while and completely changed his life, and he really couldn't imagine the world within the walls, going on as usual, untouched by this insanity.

The gate lifted partially, some soldiers from the Garrison waiting on the other side to ride out and help cover the perimeter as the spare horses and carts lined up at the front. They had made it. They were going back behind the walls.

"Don't open the gate!" It was Commander Shadis. "There are too many titans here!"

Levi's shoulders stiffened as though a chill had brushed against his neck. Hadn't they been outrunning them? Why had they waited until now if they were just going to fight them? Levi knew Shadis had probably been truly hoping to avoid more conflict, and was making the correct choice for the situation, but it just seemed very stupid.

Luckily, while the gate's momentum slowed, it was still about eight feet high by the time it stopped, and the Garrison backup were out, the horses passing through first. The first cart was already slowly wheeling up, its top brushing against the gate as it did so.

The first titan had reached the squads guarding the back. It was a little one, which made Shadis's paranoia about the gate seem more sensible. People were flying through the air on their gear again, and Levi really didn't want to see it. He did not want to see any more blood. He did not want to see anyone else die today.

"We may be here a few minutes while the carts get in," Sophie pointed out. She turned her horse to put the gate to her back. The others were doing the same.

"Yes. We'll have to be ready to deal with any threats that get past Anika's and Walter's squads," Erwin said. His gaze was steady and calm.

One moment they were standing and watching intently, and the next they were reacting to a titan running straight at them after a soldier had failed to take it out in one stroke. Erwin yelled, "Forward! Go!" and pushed at Levi's shoulder so hard it felt like he had hit him, then jerked his horse to the side to avoid the titan, right into Levi's horse, and Levi was nearly knocked from his saddle.

Levi recovered in time to keep his seat and kicked at his mount's sides to ride forward once she had gained her footing, as Erwin had ordered, then saw Emil taking down the titan. Levi rode back to the others once the titan had collapsed and watched as the body crumpled and disintegrated before his eyes.

Another glance at the gates told them that there was one more cart to go. The squads drew closer together, and some of them even began withdrawing through the gate on either side of the cart.

"Alright, let's get back," Erwin said, and the five of them rode back together, riding through the gate just behind the last cart. Moments later, the last of the squads had withdrawn and the gate was being lowered those eight slow feet to the ground.

There was a heavy thunk as it settled into place.

Erwin pulled up beside Levi, looking at him with that calculating look again. Levi looked back at Erwin, this man who had manipulated and tricked him, whom he had hated and tried to kill, who had asked for Levi's trust and saved his life the other day, when Levi could not be bothered to care enough to do it himself. The contradictions didn't really leave him feeling confused, or guilty, but rather empty. He still didn't know how to feel. He _couldn't_ feel, couldn't react, couldn't think.

"I promised that I would get you home." Erwin's voice was calm and flat, his face and tone impossible to read as always. Levi cleared his throat.

"Yeah. You did."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter One Summary:

Immediately following the the battle that took his family and squad mates during the failed 19th expedition outside the Walls, Levi deals with the aftermath of his friends' deaths while the battered Survey Corps makes their retreat back to the safety of Wall Maria.

Erwin takes Levi into his own squad in an effort to get him back alive, but the Survey Corps is not out of danger yet.

* * *

Chapter Two

It was a glaringly bright morning - the kind where the sun rose long before the city was awake, the kind that came with a sky full of wispy clouds that did not block the light, but instead just glowed so white they hurt to look at. The streets were fairly vacant, but there were a few shopkeepers outside preparing for the day, blocking the light with raised hands and brimmed hats, huddled in their shawls against the crisp morning breeze.

Erwin looked down on the streets below from a large second-storey window, taking another sip of his coffee and wishing he felt more awake. Normally he was the kind to get up bright and early anyway, so he hadn't been as annoyed with the early hour as his companions, but after everything that had happened on the expedition, and then travelling late into the evening to get to the capitol, he actually would have liked to sleep in for once.

"Hey. You ready?" Gerhardt's words slurred into a yawn.

"Are _you_ _?_ " Erwin gave him a small smile and downed the rest of his coffee.

"As much as I can be." Gerhardt was rubbing away at his eyes with one hand. "I'd've really been ready if this were in a couple more hours, but what can you do? Can't interrupt their important work." His tone made it quite clear what he thought of said "important work."

Erwin set his empty cup aside next to Gerhardt's on a nearby table, which had some used cups and plates waiting to be taken away, along with fruit and bagels. As convenient as it was to have access to the free breakfast food at the council hall, Erwin wasn't feeling up to it yet, and the three of them had decided to go out for breakfast afterwards. He had not hesitated to help himself to the coffee, though.

Keith walked up to the table and refilled his coffee mug while he addressed them. "They're going to call us in in a second." He started stirring in sugar.

"I thought we weren't allowed to bring any food and drink in there, after they replaced that carpet with the wine stain," Gerhardt objected, his eyes fixed on Keith's coffee.

"They can bite my ass." Keith lifted the cup to his lips.

"Oh, well if we can be like that…." Gerhardt made his way over to retake his cup.

"I'm the commander. Just because I can get away with it, doesn't mean you can," Keith joked. Just then, a servant opened the door to the meeting hall and held it open expectantly. The council was notoriously unforgiving about punctuality, so it was never a good idea to make them wait. Keith was making his way in.

Gerhardt was pouring another cup anyway, even as Keith was leaving. He dripped some coffee on the table. Over his shoulder, the commander said, "You don't really have time to make a coffee. They're already waiting, you know."

"I'll drink it black." That was desperation talking. Erwin knew Gerhardt preferred his with a lot of cream and sugar. But of course, once Keith was no longer paying attention, Gerhardt added both the cream and sugar in sloppy haste, spilling more on the table and taking his stirring spoon with him. Erwin chuckled to himself as he followed Keith inside.

The room was unnecessarily large for such a meeting, and lavishly decorated. Since Gerhardt had mentioned it, Erwin couldn't help but notice the new carpet in the middle of the room, along with shiny new stone tiles under his feet. The council hall was currently undergoing renovations, and the meetings had been relocated from the office they normally used. They were seated in an alcove that was part of a much bigger hall, with a high ceiling and marble walls. The sounds of footsteps and scraping chairs echoed around them, as the murmuring voices fell to a minimum. Erwin felt that it was a oddly open place to discuss such sensitive topics.

A man that Erwin recognized as Minister Abbing sat at the centre of the opposite side of the table. In contrast to the surrounding opulence, he dressed in plain black and white clothes. He was clean-shaven and completely bald, his most notable features being the complex network of wrinkles on his face, and the dark bushy eyebrows and simple square glasses that framed his eyes.

Keith took his chair opposite Abbing, and Erwin and Gerhardt sat on either side of him. The table soon settled itself as the other ministers slowly dropped their small talk to observe the three soldiers. Keith looked over at Gerhardt.

"Black, huh?" Keith asked under his breath.

Gerhardt acted as though he hadn't heard, already lifting his drink.

Abbing cleared his throat and straightened a few papers in front of him, and there was instant silence. "Welcome back." He appeared to be addressing all three of them. "I speak for all of us here when I say that I am glad to see you safe."

"Thank you. It's good to be back," Keith replied.

Abbing was already looking down at his papers, holding onto the side of his glasses, as was his habit, while he skimmed over some of the text. "Now, Commander, we know why you're here. You wouldn't have come in so soon otherwise."

"Yes, you're all aware of why we're here. I set out as soon as I could." Indeed, they had left for Mitras only a short time after sending the messenger to inform the council of the expedition's results. As soon as things were in a semblance of order at the base, they were gone. Gerhardt had grumbled about it, but Erwin had agreed with the commander, knowing that the longer they gave the council to stew over this failure, the worse talking to them would be.

As it was, the councillors had been told the news last night, and with the meeting scheduled for this morning just before their usual work hours, they had not had time to discuss it amongst themselves, behind Keith's back. Erwin preferred it that way.

"So, last night I received a letter informing me that the Survey Corps were back early," Abbing started. "According to that report, you lost around 40 percent of your soldiers, a fifth of your horses, and one of your medics. One of the carts was abandoned, along with much of its supplies. And the expedition has been deemed a failure, having made no new progress, and failing to fully assess the utility and limitations of your new formation, which I believe was the main focus."

There was a hushed pause as everyone let the words sink in. Abbing had spoken like he was reading off a list. It was nothing but the plain truth, but it sounded so awful put into numbers like that.

"You want to tell us exactly what happened?" Abbing's voice was surprisingly non-accusatory, but his heavy brows had lowered such that his expression looked severe.

"Yes, of course." Keith didn't sound very sure of himself in that moment. As much as Erwin liked Keith Shadis, the man had an unfortunate tendency to crack under pressure. It was hard, in situations like this, not to imagine all the things Erwin would say or do differently if he were in Keith's place. Erwin was already prepared to be disappointed with this meeting.

"Unexpected weather conditions changed the situation faster than we could react to," Keith said. "Before we knew it, it was pouring rain. The titans came upon us suddenly, and in very large numbers."

"You are not prepared to handle rain?" one of the ministers asked. He sounded confused.

There was no response. Keith was already freezing up. Gerhardt was giving him a sideways glance, his coffee and papers seemingly forgotten, though he kept his features schooled.

Erwin decided now would be the time to intervene. "If I may?" He addressed Keith, so it wouldn't look like he was talking over him. Keith nodded.

"As you are all aware, the new scouting formation relies upon signal flares to communicate," Erwin began. "Under heavy rain, the signal flares become all but useless. They can't be fired if the gunpowder gets wet, and were of little help, as visibility was extremely poor. We did realize this, and attempted to tighten the formation to compensate, but as Commander Shadis has said, the speed at which the weather changed made it nigh impossible to react quickly enough."

"Squad Leader… Erwin Smith, if I recall?" Abbing asked, turning to Erwin now.

"Yes, sir."

"You were the one responsible for creating the new formation, yes?"

"That's correct." Erwin hated the empty feeling that came with the admission. He had worked on the formation for a long time, and not long ago he would have been thrilled to see it getting this much attention, but with the disastrous results of its first trial run now looming over him, he almost felt embarrassed.

"Had you foreseen the potential problems posed by heavy rain, or other unfavourable weather conditions?" The full weight of Abbing's heavy gaze, along with everyone else's, had shifted from Keith to Erwin, and the overall impression of that look, and that tone, was of someone giving him a slight scolding. There was something patronizing about it, and Erwin was suddenly very aware of being the youngest man in the room.

He tried not to let it bother him. "Yes, I of course realized that we would have to think about that in regards to a formation that relies so heavily on long-distance communication. Weather is always something to consider during an expedition, regardless of the formation used. As we said, the speed at which the weather changed was the true problem.

"In all my years of expeditions, I've never seen a storm quite like that one." As soon as Erwin said it, he felt stupid using a phrase like 'in all my years' amongst all these older men, but it was too late to take it back. "We may be prepared for rain, but such a downpour will always pose problems." Erwin looked to Keith.

"Smith is right. No matter the circumstances, a storm like that would always be disastrous. The results of this expedition have little to do with implementing the new formation."

In a final effort to defend his work, Erwin continued, "Ordinarily, we have more than enough time to react to such conditions. This formation was never intended to be used during storms. What is most important to remember is that before the rain, our casualties were nearly zero. To me, that is proof that the formation works, and must be tested again."

"Again?" Minister Siegel asked suddenly, and loudly. "How many more men do you need to kill before you can admit to a mistake?"

Keith actually jumped to Erwin's defence with a firm, "Now, see here," that took Erwin by surprise, even as he felt some gratitude, but Zackly spoke up even louder.

"That is nonsense, Siegel." Zackly did not often come to meetings like this, and tended to stay out of any intense discussion, but on the occasions that he spoke, he commanded attention easily. "Since joining the Survey Corps, Smith has done everything he can to minimize deaths. It's silly to suggest he's some heartless killer."

"Maybe you're quick to defend him because you put your name to this as well," Siegel argued.

"I defend him for the same reason that I 'put my name to this,' and that's because I think it's a good idea. Casualties in the Survey Corps are too high. Anything that can help reduce that is worth a shot."

Yet another minister, whom Erwin did not know well, jumped in. "Which is exactly why this plan, which got hundreds of people killed, is a -"

"Have you people been listening to a damn word we've said?" came a familiar voice to Keith's right, one Erwin was unused to hearing at these meetings. "Those deaths had nothing to do with the formation -"

"Gerhardt," Keith said, trying to rein him in.

"Be reasonable. They can't predict the weather that accurately," Minister Baum said in an appeasing tone.

"You believe that bullshit excuse?" someone asked him.

"Well, they're not _trying_ to get their own men killed, so yes."

"You know what would really reduce casualties to a minimum?" Pastor Carl's voice rang out above the others. Erwin figured he knew where this was going. "Not going outside the Walls in the first place."

As usual, this led to an uproarious response of voices talking over each other.

"So we should just wait until we run out of resources to begin looking for them?" Erwin asked. He had long ago realized the futility of arguing with the Wallists, but sometimes had trouble letting their logic go unchallenged.

"We have plenty of resources," the pastor argued.

He should just let it go. But Erwin was tired of letting it go. "We'll run out one day. And when we do, you'll be glad we have a force of soldiers prepared to leave the Walls and face the titans."

"I believe that the Walls will provide what humanity needs to survive, as they always have, these past hundred years."

"A hundred years isn't _that_ long. We could be here for much longer. But surely you don't want humanity to live in here forever." Erwin thought it was a perfectly reasonable thing to say, but Keith had gripped his right arm under the table where the others couldn't see and squeezed it hard, and Erwin figured he'd fucked up somehow.

Luckily for him, Gerhardt spoke up just as the pastor looked like he was about to blow. "For someone who doesn't want us to go beyond the Walls so strongly, you sure don't seem to mind the luxuries our expeditions afford you, like the salt, and the gold…."

More arguing and yelling ensued. Pastor Carl actually stood up from his seat, and both Minister Abbing and Zackly were trying to bring order to the discussion, and failing.

Erwin couldn't hear what the pastor said, but as Gerhardt was much closer to him, his voice rang out loud and clear. "Me? I'm not being ridiculous. You're the hypocrite." Now Gerhardt was out of his seat too. Erwin wondered if Gerhardt was trying to deflect attention from Erwin's comment. It wasn't like him to be this combative.

Suddenly there were voices coming from every side of the table at once.

"- fucking liar!"

"- a heathen, I tell you!"

"Stop buying it then! Because I know you do."

"... ungrateful little shits."

"Mr. Reiss, if you…"

"I have never bought…"

The voices got louder.

"Yes you have! I've seen you -"

" _Gerhardt!_ " Keith snapped.

"You and your friend Erwin -"

Abbing, one of the few who remained seated, banged on the table. "Would everyone please…"

"- all those fucking dead people, and we're arguing about money."

"- that Shadis and Zackly both agreed -"

"You are literally wearing a gold ring on your finger as we _speak_ _._ "

"- you fucking dumbass."

" _Be quiet!_ " Zackly had stood from his seat as well, so he could more easily yell over people's heads. Erwin, seated only a foot away from him, nearly cringed at the booming voice in his left ear. "Alright, everybody else get back in your seats."

Everyone was soon sitting in their chairs with little drama, though there was some angry muttering. Someone said something that sounded like a comment about Sina's tits, and Carl's face flushed with anger, but he knew better than to say anything more.

"Honestly. A day care is more well-behaved than you people." Zackly sat back into his own seat.

"Thank you, Zackly," Abbing said. Under his severe expression and angry-looking brows, he looked amused.

Erwin leaned back in his chair, deciding he probably should not draw unnecessary attention to himself. He couldn't help but feel he had caused that commotion.

Abbing continued, characteristically acting as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened. For all the talking that went on after that, not much was said that had not been said before. No one ever managed to change anyone's mind, and most people's opinions were not very nuanced. The majority of them simply cared about money - making money, making money for their friends, withholding money from everyone else, and trying not to waste money - and they were blatantly obvious about it.

Abbing summed it up quickly as the discussion began to draw to a close. "Obviously, everyone here feels very strongly about their positions. I know that some of you are disillusioned about the results of this expedition. I know some here believe these results are to be expected, from time to time, and that we need to try again," he looked at Erwin here, "while others have pointed out that this was already the Survey Corps' last chance to prove itself worthy of the funding it has received. In my opinion, both sides have a valid point. As it is clear that there is a divide in opinions, I suggest a vote."

Erwin schooled his expression, but inside he was worried. The council was hardly evenly split in its politics. The majority of people there disapproved of the Survey Corps, and tolerated them so long as they didn't ask for too much money or take up much of their time. There were a few supporters, like Baum, some of whom had even managed to do good business with the Corps, but they were few. In general, a vote like this would go against the Survey Corps' interests.

The last vote, Erwin had managed to scare the council with the incident involving Lovof enough to get their approval, but he wasn't sure if that would help them here. For one thing, unlike before, the council had a perfectly adequate reason they could cite in this last failed expedition for defunding the Survey Corps. The Survey Corps no longer looked like they were on the upswing to a new era of success and better survival. For another, Erwin suspected that the councillors were not as afraid of a corruption scandal as they should be. They controlled the news agencies as far as he could tell, and if he made too big of a nuisance of himself…

Erwin stopped that line of thought. Naive as it might be, he did not want to imagine the men sitting right in front of him, as selfish and uncompromising as they could be, as dangerous villains. Some of them were perfectly nice and reasonable to the Corps, even while giving other organizations a very hard time. He could not afford to paint people in such broad strokes in his head.

Erwin had resolved to keep quiet during the rest of the meeting, and Gerhardt did the same, the two squad leaders leaving it to their commander to do the talking. Keith was his usual acquiescent self, far too agreeable and accepting, and Erwin felt glad that they were not currently negotiating the Corps' future activities.

Zackly said that he did not want the vote Abbing had suggested to be an all-or nothing decision, with the entire budget of the Survey Corps on the line. It made sense. If almost every individual minister decided to stop funding them, and the crown did not reach out - which they wouldn't - the entire Survey Corps could be disbanded. So Zackly suggested that the vote on the Survey Corps' budget be added to a general military budget vote scheduled for next month, giving him and Abbing the time needed to discuss what, specifically, the vote would cover.

"What is there to discuss?" Minister Siegel asked. "We're voting on whether the Survey Corps should keep its funding, despite failing to keep its promises."

"How much of its funding?" Zackly asked.

"All of it," Siegel answered without hesitation.

"No," Zackly said. "That is what is up for discussion."

Siegel huffed, but dropped the subject.

Soon the time slot set aside for the meeting was almost over, and things were wrapped up quickly. When Keith excused himself, and the three soldiers left, Zackly followed them. The door closed and they were left alone in the hallway, in a rather awkward dismissal that made it clear their presence was unwelcome.

"Well, that didn't go as well as we wanted it, but I doubt I'm the only one who isn't surprised," Zackly started, making his way down the hall with them.

"So now we wait for those guys to have another vote? We just had one a couple months ago," Gerhardt said, setting his empty coffee cup on the breakfast table and following Zackly. "This is all starting to feel like a waste of time. We spend forever convincing them to give us a chance, and then they take it away the second anything doesn't go according to plan."

No one said anything more as they continued their way out the building, because there wasn't much to say. Erwin was mulling some thoughts over in his head, but wasn't sure enough of any of his ideas to give voice to them at the moment. So the conversation was dropped unceremoniously, as Zackly said his goodbyes to Keith at the front door and parted ways with them.

Keith turned to his two subordinates. "You two still up for breakfast?" He didn't exactly sound enthused.

Gerhardt had a look on his face that suggested he was going to pass, but Erwin was actually hungry, and he didn't think skipping would be beneficial to anyone, so he answered with an enthusiastic, "Absolutely, I'm starving," knowing, in their politeness, they wouldn't argue with that.

"Alright then, let's go," Keith said.

* * *

Keith, Gerhardt and Erwin were seated around a small, round table in a restaurant near their hotel. It was still early by most people's standards, and the place was only modestly busy. Keith had asked for a coffee - for which Erwin had teased him, asking, "Do you really need another one?" - while Gerhardt and Erwin had gotten tea instead. The coffee was starting to feel too heavy on Erwin's stomach.

Now Erwin was staring at the chalkboard with the breakfast menu on it, trying to decide what to order, while his companions sat there with sullen looks on their faces.

Eventually, Gerhardt sighed. "I can't wait to get back. This has been a really fucking awful couple of days. It's been rush, rush, rush, and then sitting around tensely, waiting for stuff to happen, and then more rushing, just stop and go, stop and go, you know? And there's so much more shit to do when we get back." There was a pause after that rush of words, like he wasn't going to say anything else. He stirred his tea, now sweetened and milky, and took a sip.

Then, very quietly, "My squad wasn't in a good place when I left them."

Erwin turned away from the chalkboard. He had been ignoring Gerhardt's complaining until then, like Keith seemed to be, because Gerhardt had been complaining almost non stop since they left the base, and Erwin guessed it was because he was tired and in a bad mood, and Erwin didn't want to embarrass him by drawing attention to it. But this was different.

"Hmm?" Erwin asked, trying to gently encourage Gerhardt to keep talking.

"Mentally."

"Oh."

Erwin looked at Keith. The commander hadn't said anything, but his face as he watched Gerhardt looked concerned.

"I don't feel like we should be here. This all could have waited." Gerhardt said it like he had been holding it in for a while, and maybe he had.

"You know why we came right away," Erwin said. They had been over this.

"Yeah, yeah, I get it."

"You didn't have to come if -"

"No, it's _my_ job to come on trips like this, in case the commander needs me. You're the one who had a choice on whether to come or not."

Just then, the waitress came by to their table, and Erwin was grateful for the short interruption. He ordered himself a large breakfast, with eggs and hashbrowns and even bacon, because he rarely went to restaurants and being here was already an indulgence. Keith just ordered a muffin. Gerhardt hesitated while they made their decisions, making an unsure sound like he wasn't going to order anything, but then he relented and asked for waffles.

Then the waitress was gone and they were left to make conversation again.

"I'm sorry if I pushed too hard, for us to come here today," Erwin said, wanting to make peace. "I really thought it was best."

"It was my call in the end, anyway," Keith added. "So don't worry about it."

"No, Erwin, I didn't mean…." Gerhardt sighed again, and looked like he was struggling with himself.

Erwin thought about why Gerhardt's squad would be "not in a good place." He was pretty sure no one in Gerhardt's team had died, but he realized then that he hadn't asked. There had just been so little time. Maybe it wasn't right that he just assumed Gerhardt would have told him if he lost someone. Even worse, Erwin didn't feel comfortable asking now, because it would only highlight how little attention he had been paying his friends if he admitted he didn't know.

"This expedition was… rough, for sure," Erwin said, starting somewhat vaguely. "But the Survey Corps has been through a lot, and we've always pulled through. They'll get through this too." Gerhardt was silent. "And we'll be back with them tonight." That at least got a nod.

For a few minutes, the three just sat without speaking, sipping their drinks, surrounded with the sounds of other restaurant goers conversing quietly and morning birds chirping in the background. Theirs was always a comfortable silence, built from trust and understanding, but no one there seemed particularly comfortable in that moment, each dealing with his own inner demons. For once, Erwin wanted to say something, just to fill that silence, but he didn't know how to continue. While this sort of conversation was fine for those late evenings in Keith's office while they drank around the fireplace, it seemed strange on this bright, sunny morning, in a cheery restaurant.

"My newest guy, Tom, he, uh…" Gerhardt started up again. He must really have a lot on his mind, because he never spoke this much, especially when unprompted. "Tina died." Erwin wasn't sure how that was related to what he'd just been saying.

"I don't believe I knew Tina," Erwin admitted. He also didn't really know Gerhardt's newest squad member yet, but he at least knew _**of**_ him.

"She was on a different team, but it was headed by one of my team leaders. She and Tom are both new, right out of the 98th Training Corps. I think there may have been," he paused here, like he wasn't confident how to say it, "something going on between them." Gerhardt gulped the rest of his tea and poured himself another from the pot sitting with them. "I tried to discourage it."

"Not uncommon, really," Keith said.

"Yeah, well, you can give people all the advice in the world, but, you know." Now he was stirring in some milk, and then sugar. "Anyway… he saw her die."

It was a bit disconcerting to hear Gerhardt talk about someone's death like that while he calmly sipped his tea. Even if Erwin knew there was more to his feelings, underneath.

"She was on cart defence, just in front of the second cart, the one that got knocked over by that titan. We were the team behind it. I guess she got hurt in the crash, cause she was crawling away when we got around. The titan grabbed her and bit her head off. We all saw it happen."

Erwin remembered seeing something similar to that. Sophie had tried to save a young woman from the titan, hadn't she? The details were a little fuzzy.

"When we went to support the right flank after that, Tom was fighting like he was in a blind rage. I thought he was going to get himself killed. He… I won't go into detail, but he was being reckless and he almost got somebody else killed, and they were fighting about it as soon as they got home. I should have realized sending him out to fight right away wasn't ideal. Maybe I should have kept my team back."

Erwin was about to say something about how that wasn't Gerhardt's fault, when the other man continued. "Kris is gone too. His squad was in the right flank at the time. He was the last person who graduated from my Training Corps with me that was still around. Now I'm the only one left."

Keith put his hand on Gerhardt's arm in a comforting gesture, but neither he nor Erwin spoke.

Then the waitress came back with a large tray, balancing all their food. "Alrighty, so we have an eggs and hashbrown special," she started in a loud, bubbly voice, setting it in front of Erwin, "one blueberry muffin," she gave Keith a plate with the muffin and a small dish with butter, "and the waffles for you!" The waffles were placed in front of Gerhardt, and he gave them a withering look.

"Is there anything else I can get for you?" she asked, looking around the table with a bright smile.

After a pause just a heartbeat too long, Erwin took it upon himself to reply. "No, we're good. Thank you."

"Alright, just let me know." And she left.

It didn't feel appropriate to just start eating, and Erwin's fork skirted around the edge of his plate.

"I'm sorry," Gerhardt said finally. "I don't mean to be such a downer."

"What?" Erwin asked. "No, you're not -"

"Sure." There may have been a hint of a laugh in Gerhardt's voice. "Go ahead and enjoy your breakfast."

Erwin stared down at his eggs guiltily, but his companions had no reservations about diving into their food. So he soon followed their example.

Talk turned to lighter things, although it always connected to their work in some way, such as discussing their horses, or upcoming time off, or about which luxuries would most likely be dropped from the budget. Despite its price, no one was willing to forego coffee at the moment. It may have been marked down as a "luxury item" and taxed as such, but in the minds of many Survey Corps officers, it had the same status as a staple food item.

About halfway through their meal, Gerhardt turned to Erwin and said, "Do you mind if I ask about your new guy?"

"New guy?"

"That criminal you took into your squad. You know, the short guy."

"Oh, right." Erwin had actually not thought of it as having taken Levi into his squad. He had just taken charge of Flagon's squad when he saw Flagon and his second in command were gone. At the time, he had not been thinking about Levi's future placement because he was used to reminding himself that no one had truly survived an expedition until that expedition was over, and it had not yet been over. "You mean Levi."

"Is that his name? What's going to happen to him?"

"What do you mean?"

"Are we keeping him around?" Gerhardt turned to Keith now, but the commander didn't have anything to say either. "I know you gave Erwin free leave to deal with Lovof as he saw fit, but you two must have discussed what you would be doing with that Underground trio once all that was over."

"Not really a trio now. It's just the one guy left," Erwin said. With Gerhardt still reeling from the death of his friend, it might have been a bit cheap to bring it up, but Gerhardt had been clear from the start that he didn't like the idea of bringing Levi's group to the Survey Corps. Maybe knowing what had happened to the other two would make him more sympathetic towards Levi. And more likely to let this go.

"Yeah, and it's the really scary one that's left, isn't it?" Gerhardt asked.

"I wouldn't call Levi scary," Erwin said. "But he was the leader of the group."

"Still not worried about him, even after that, huh?" Gerhardt continued, his eyes flicking pointedly down at Erwin's right hand.

When Levi had swung his blade at Erwin's throat, Erwin had instinctively tried to knock it aside with his arm, but had only been quick enough to block it with his hand. He had felt the hesitation in Levi's swing - if it were harder, he could have lost some fingers - and that had convinced him that it was worth trying to talk to Levi, rather than fight him. But he hadn't trusted Levi enough to let go, so he'd held on, and it had cut deep.

Taking down that titan that had chased him and Levi had just put more pressure on it and made it worse. When they got to the checkpoint that night, he'd gotten four stitches and a light wrapping, and was told that he should probably avoid using his hand for a bit. Between him and Levi, his squad had been considered incapacitated enough to be placed on cart defence, but even while avoiding combat, Erwin had still managed to aggravate the wound enough to reopen it, so this time he'd left the infirmary with bandages that looked like a white fingerless glove twice the size of his hand.

"It looks way worse than it is," he said truthfully.

"Don't bullshit me. Mike told me what happened."

"Ah, I see."

"What happened?" Keith asked.

"That thug tried to kill him," Gerhardt said. "And Erwin brought him back."

"You didn't tell me about that," Keith said, looking at Erwin.

"Well, I wasn't trying to hide it." Erwin ate a forkful of hashbrowns, less because he was still hungry and more because he was trying to act casual. "That's not how I would describe it anyway." Neither of them looked convinced to let it go.

Erwin began listing off his points, counting them out on his fingers. "He had just seen his friends and the rest of his squad get eaten by titans. He blamed me for getting his friends killed by bringing them into the Survey Corps. He was angry when he found out the truth about Lovof."

"You told him about all that?" Gerhardt asked, at the mention of Lovof.

"I told him enough. He was highly emotional, and he attacked me because he was angry. Despite what Mike might say, I don't believe he was trying to kill me," Erwin lied. "It's not the first time I've had to deal with someone who's acted violently in an emotional outburst. But we talked, and I think we came to an understanding. He didn't act out again on the way home."

"Yeah, because he was in shock," Gerhardt said. "We all saw him. That blank look on his face. What about when that goes away, and he gets angry again?"

"People don't get in trouble for things they might theoretically do. If that happens again, I'll deal with it then."

"I just don't think that guy should be in the Survey Corps at all."

"His name is Levi." Erwin wasn't sure why he felt the need to say it.

" _Okay_ _,_ Erwin." Gerhardt sounded like he was getting fed up with the politeness, because it wasn't the first time Erwin had insisted he change his tone when talking about "those thugs."

"He's not exactly in my squad, anyway," Erwin said. "I didn't know what to do with him at the time."

"Well, good," Gerhardt said. "I don't think he should stay there."

"It's up to you," Erwin said, looking at Keith.

Keith had been even more quiet than Gerhardt usually was, though that might be because of the latter's sudden burst of talkativeness. He looked like he still didn't know what to say. "Well… I did agree to let him in. I won't discharge him just yet, if Erwin insists that the outburst was understandable. There are more suitable punishments. As for his placement, I had thought he'd stay with Erwin, or maybe go to a squad that needs more people."

Erwin set aside his fork, giving up on eating any more. "I thought it would be best if he stayed with me. He had trouble with authority at first, but I think I've gotten through to him, and he's already getting used to my squad members."

Gerhardt gave him a hard look. "He tried to kill you."

"Keep your enemies closer," Erwin muttered.

"Bullshit. That's too dangerous. And if he has trouble with authority, that's his problem."

"He's sort of my responsibility. And I think he needs some stability for now."

"We're not deciding this today, so there's no need to discuss it right now," Keith interjected. "Erwin, you and I can go over this later."

"Very well."

"I just think he should be in a different squad," Gerhardt mumbled into his tea, but from the sound of his tone, he was done arguing for now.

Erwin's thoughts turned inward. He thought of all the people who were getting annoyed with him lately, thinking over the meeting from earlier, and the conversation with a very concerned Mike whom Erwin had tasked with keeping an eye on Levi. Then he thought about Levi himself, and those eyes of his. Eyes filled with despair. Eyes burning with fury. Eyes that were dull and empty.

This time the conversation just died down rather than turn to lighter things. In the end, despite being the one most enthusiastic about going out to eat, Erwin was the only one who didn't finish his meal.

* * *

All around him was chaos. Titans crowded around them, and broken, half-eaten bodies lay strewn across the muddy ground. He had slipped from his horse and was struggling to get to his feet when the giant hand grabbed Furlan.

"No!" Levi tried to push himself up with his hands, but they just sunk further into the soft mud and he slipped forward. He was getting clumsy, and slow. This wasn't like him. If there was anything Levi could claim about himself, anything that he was proud of, it was that he was dependable.

He had never failed to protect his friends before, yet all he could do was watch as the titan swallowed Furlan whole.

There was too much shock to feel grief, or even fear. But there was denial. The titan had not bitten him in half, so Furlan could be alive. He had to be alive. There was simply no way Levi could accept any other outcome. Isabel was gone, but Furlan could not also be gone.

With that hope in his mind, Levi was up, and his blades were drawn. He flung his left hook into the titan's rib cage, his body jerking sideways roughly before hurtling forwards, because he was only using one of his grappling wires. Using only one was more dangerous but it was also quicker, and left the second available if he needed to change his trajectory. He was being reckless, but if ever there was a time to be reckless, this was it.

The titan reached out for him - it really was a risky move to approach it from the front - so he released the left hook, shot the right one into the titan's shoulder, and expelled a heavy burst of gas to fling himself out of the titan's reach.

Levi made an arc, downwards and then up, bringing up both his blades and spreading them to cut into a V. He had actually cut his way into the titan's body, and was balancing himself with one foot planted firmly in an open wound. He tried not to think about this as he reached for the tawny-coloured leather jacket in front of him. He jerked on the sleeve so the person turned over, and he saw Furlan's face.

The titan had grabbed Levi's green cape, and was pulling on it. Levi could feel himself being lifted, and a glance over his shoulder to see where they could land showed that multiple other titans had crowded in on their position. Levi knew they were in great danger, and needed to move fast, so he decided to let gravity do the work. He wrapped an arm around Furlan's shoulders and jumped back, just as he released the right hook.

They hit the ground and rolled, Levi trying to keep Furlan from taking the brunt of the fall. Levi ended up on his back, cold water seeping through the backs of his pants and into his hair. Furlan's body was sprawled awkwardly across Levi's. He was hot; it wasn't the warmth of life, but the burning heat that characterized the insides of titans.

When Levi looked down the length of their bodies, he saw that Furlan's lower body was mangled, like he had been chewed. It took him a moment to realize it, because of the rain, and all the mud, and the awkward angle, but Furlan had no legs. On top of that, he was oddly still. Even with their chests pressed together, Levi couldn't feel him breathing.

Levi reached one hand up tentatively and placed it on Furlan's burning hot cheek, hoping to get his attention. The rain was still falling hard and it was on Levi's face and in his eyes. Hot and cold water flowed down his cheeks. He blinked it all away.

Suddenly there was movement above him, like Furlan had shifted, and Furlan's face was pressed into Levi's throat. He was still hot, and damp, and it felt like someone burning up with a fever. The thought brought a feeling of revulsion, but Levi didn't care about that right now. Furlan had moved.

"Hey. Are you there?" Levi knew better than to ask if he was okay. He turned Furlan over in his arms and brushed his blond hair out of his eyes, totally oblivious to the danger he was in. Levi was hunched over him, to shield the injured man from the onslaught of the rain. Furlan's eyelids fluttered and Levi's breath stopped in his throat. "Furlan?"

There were titans all around them. Levi didn't understand why the titans had not killed them yet. Even as Furlan blinked and Levi wrapped his arms around him in a tight embrace, trying to convey so many things he didn't know how to say, or didn't have time to say, he couldn't help but think on the titans in the back of his mind.

Everything after that was a blur. One moment, Levi was on his horse, riding hard. In another, he was attacking a crouching titan that had just crashed into a cart, hacking and spinning and slicing away at it in a methodical frenzy, venting himself in a way that only barely scratched the surface of his rage, and there was hot blood splashing onto his face and into his mouth, and his body was soon enveloped in a cloud of steam as it evaporated off of him…

And then he heard a horrible squealing, and realized that he was standing on the ground - it felt like it had been forever since his feet had been steady underneath him like this - and a horse was lying on its side in front of him, kicking its legs wildly in a panic. It looked like someone had hacked the animal up with a machete.

Levi was disturbed at the thought that someone would do something like this to an innocent animal. But there was no one else around. Levi's own blades were bloody.

He couldn't have done this. He would never do something like this.

But he had done some pretty sick things to people in the past.

Suddenly the horse's cries offended him, like a reminder of every bad thing he'd done, and he brought his blade down to put it out of its misery, and then when it wouldn't die, in anger, again and again, because he just wanted it to stop making those awful sounds, he didn't want to see it suffer, or listen to it anymore, he wished it would just die -

Levi stopped himself midswing when he saw a man kneeling before him, and realized he had almost cut off his head. The man had grabbed his blade with his hand, and looked up at Levi with fierce blue eyes that burned with resolve, and Levi's world stopped turning.

Levi opened his eyes and took in the room around him. He had fallen asleep in a chair at some point, and from how dark and quiet it was, it had not been long ago. Well, he was used to that. He pulled himself out of his chair with the intent of finding something to do.

He wandered through dark hallways, then past the mess hall, until he found the cleaning room, from which he grabbed a bucket, and a variety of other cleaning supplies. He piled the rags and such into the bucket, and took it all up to his room. He was already in casual clothes, so all he had to do was throw on his apron and tie a couple scarves around his hair and mouth before getting to work.

Levi had enlisted Furlan and Isabel to help him clean some of the men's barracks once before. Since then, however, he'd only kept up his and Furlan's room, and even that had been neglected for a few days because of the expedition. He started by dusting their room from top to bottom, then stripped the sheets from both their mattresses and bundled them up near the door. Then he got out the broom and swept the floor of any dust that had fallen from his earlier dusting.

After he was done with their room, Levi went to the bathroom and filled the bucket with a mix of soap and water. He mopped the bathroom first, since he was there, soon groaning in disgust at the state of the floors around the toilets. He might just go get another mop before doing the hallways; wouldn't do to contaminate the rest of the building with… _this_ _._

Some time later, the sun had come up and people began leaving their rooms to head into the bathroom. Levi wasn't paying much attention, but he could feel the presence of other people coming and going around him, and had for the past fifteen minutes. Occasionally some of the men would stop to look at him, and muttered to each other in confusion when they realized what was going on.

"Yeah, he was already down here when I came by earlier."

"What do you think he did, to get a reprimand like that?"

"Has anyone even seen this guy before?"

"Did he clean upstairs too? Looks like someone did."

Levi was on his hands and knees in the main room-turned-lounge downstairs by now, reaching under a side table he didn't feel like pulling out so he could wipe at the floor underneath. Two people walked over from the edge of his vision until they were standing roughly behind him.

"I thought we weren't allowed to haze the new guys," one of them joked. "Well, I would have come up with something better than cleaning the barracks, anyway."

"By something better, do you mean something more cruel?"

"What? No, of course not. I meant something like… make him wear a funny hat all day. I don't know."

Levi certainly would not agree to something like that, but he was intrigued by the conversation enough to sit back and look over his shoulder at the men talking.

"Hey," one of them said when he saw Levi paying attention to them. Levi recognized his voice as that of the man who had suggested making him wear a funny hat. He looked to be about Levi's type, as far as looks went - fairly tall, broad-shouldered, with blue eyes and well-groomed light blond hair, and he was devastatingly handsome, in a pretty boy sort of way. Levi hated him on sight.

"Whatcha doin'?" the man asked.

"What's it look like I'm doing?" Deciding that the floor under the table was clean enough, Levi grabbed onto the table and pulled himself up.

The blond guy's companion said, "Nice attitude," sarcastically and left.

Levi suddenly remembered Furlan leaning over to whisper in his ear, "Be nice."

"I'm cleaning."

"Why?"

"Because this place is fucking filthy. These barracks are just like the stables out back. They're crowded full of animals, and dirty, and there's mud on the floor, and they smell like shit. Except I'd rather hang out with the horses than anybody here."

Well so much for being nice.

The blond soldier didn't look offended, but he stared at Levi with a wide gaze that said he hadn't expected all that, and he maybe thought Levi was a little crazy.

"OK. Well, have fun with that." He walked out the front door.

Then a bell rang, and there were soon people all over the place, too many for him to keep cleaning. He grabbed his bucket and tossed the used mop and rags inside, then picked it up to bring it back to the bathroom. When he turned around, someone very tall was right in his face. His eyes were about level with the person's stomach, which didn't seem right. Yes, Levi was short, but he wasn't _that_ short.

"Sorry, Levi," said a familiar voice, in response to Levi's startled step back. "It's almost time for breakfast you realize?"

It was Mike. Of course. The tallest man Levi had ever met. Maybe the tallest man in the world. He took another step back so he could better see the other man's face when he looked up. "So?"

"You aren't in uniform yet."

"So?"

"So… you're supposed to be when you go to the mess hall."

"I'm not hungry."

"Nobody asked if you were hungry. You have to go. They check to make sure everyone is awake."

Levi was annoyed, but he had already been stopping, so he saw no point in arguing. He stepped around Mike quickly, without bothering to excuse himself.

Mike's hand landed on Levi's shoulder, and Levi spun around, shaking it off angrily. "What the fuck?"

"You need to work on your attitude. You shouldn't be taking that tone with your superiors."

"Eat my ass."

Mike almost looked like he was about to grin. "If it were up to me, you'd already be in deep trouble for what happened on the expedition. But it isn't up to me, it's up to Erwin, and he deferred your punishment until he came back. If I'm being honest, he's probably going to let you go with a relative slap on the wrist, so try not to embarrass him by acting up while he's away."

Mike allowed him to go, and Levi stalked up the stairs. Levi had not seen Erwin since they had returned from the expedition, and he had not thought about him much.

He had not thought about anything much.

He went to the bathroom first, dumping the bucket of dirty water in the sink next to some people brushing their teeth, a couple of whom shot him dirty looks for it. He left the cleaning supplies in the bathroom, heedless of the strange stares he was getting, and went to his and Furlan's room to change.

He was changed into his uniform and brushing his teeth in record time. Judging from the comments made by the few stragglers in the bathroom with him, who were rushing, there wasn't much time before breakfast, so he skipped on shaving for now. Dropping off his things in his room, he shrugged on his jacket while he made his way down the hall.

Mike was leaning against the wall by the door to the mess hall when Levi arrived and they walked in together. "You'll be sitting at our table," was all Mike said, gesturing to where Emil and Sophie sat at the end of one long table. They both got in line for food, because while Levi wasn't very hungry, he didn't want to sit with people without something to act as a distraction.

As soon as he and Mike sat down across from Emil and Sophie, Levi asked, "So I showed up for roll call. How long do I have to stay here?"

"We're doing training today. And the usual upkeep," Mike said. Well, that didn't answer his question. Mike sniffed at his food before eating it, which Levi found odd. Did the food smell weird? Levi sniffed at it too, but the porridge just smelled like porridge to him.

Sophie elaborated for him. "After an expedition, 'usual upkeep' basically means we take the horses out for a bit, to make sure they're still in good shape, do the same for ourselves - light exercise drills and such - and perform maintenance on our gear."

Sophie and Emil chatted comfortably throughout breakfast, and Mike occasionally joined in, although he was fairly quiet. Levi grumbled about not having time to brush their teeth after breakfast, which was when they should do it, but was otherwise silent. Training went the same, and as he watched the other soldiers slowly seem to relax over the course of the day, Levi just became more miserable. How long was he going to stay here with these people? Listen to their friendly banter? Hear their ridiculous claims that they were going to get rid of the titans?

It occurred to Levi that he could leave if he wanted to. Bits of the expedition that he had forgotten were coming back to him now, although it was hard to separate reality from his dreams and nightmares in some cases, but he had been thinking of Erwin and the conversation they had had since Mike had mentioned him. Something he'd said stuck out to him now.

"From here on out, there's no deal."

Levi really had no obligation to stay. Erwin wouldn't force him to, and wouldn't follow Levi if he left. A part of him wanted to run away.

So why was he still here?


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Two Summary:

After returning from the disastrous 19th expedition, Commander Shadis and the top two Squad Leaders head to Mitras to explain themselves to the council and try to salvage whatever favour the Survey Corps still has.

Levi tries his best to get back into a normal routine, all while multiple horrors still lay fresh in his mind.

Chapter Three

It was the first day after the expedition and the soldiers were back to their regular duties. The first thing Mike had their squad do was go out and care for their horses. Immediately after breakfast, the four of them headed for the stables, where several other squads were doing the same thing. The horses had already been cared for last night by the stable hands, and fed this morning, but today was the day to give them a thorough check for health and fitness, and otherwise pamper them.

Levi took a little longer than was strictly necessary to groom his horse. He had complained about the smell of the stables earlier – because if he was being honest, they really did literally smell like shit – but it actually didn't bother him all that much whenever he was out here. Perhaps it was because there was also the scent of wood, and freshly cut grass, and leather, and horse. Then the breeze would come in through the front door, with a woodsy scent of damp earth, trees, and flowers, and it was even better.

It smelled open out here, like the outdoors. This was what he had longed for in the Underground.

He leaned his forehead against his mare's neck and breathed in, inhaling that musky, horsey smell. He felt a bit weird doing it, but he liked the smell, maybe because he liked his horse.

When Levi, Furlan and Isabel first joined the Survey Corps, they were given their own horses, just like any other soldiers. Since the soldiers new from the Training Corps had already been signed up a few weeks earlier, the best horses had already been assigned, and the five or so next best had been brought back from the farm, only for Flagon to comment that they weren't up to par. He couldn't prove it, but Levi suspected that their being criminals had played a part in the three of them being given cheaper horses.

Levi had not known jack squat about horses, so he had simply gravitated towards what he thought was the prettiest one, which was the only one which was not brown. She was black and long-legged, still very young. Isabel had spent far more time talking to the horse handler about the animals than he had, and had informed Levi that the reason his mare was "not up to par" was because she spooked more easily than the others and was overly sensitive when she was being groomed or having her hooves picked.

Soldiers were given the opportunity to name their own horses, which would be theirs to keep while they stayed with the Corps. Since she had stood out to him for her colour, Levi had wanted to name her after that. After the conversation he had had with Furlan and Isabel under the stars that one evening, he had asked his friends for words they would use to describe the night sky, and one that Isabel had said had stood out to him, just enough like a cute pet name to work, and descriptive enough too.

He had named his horse Dusky; he had decided on it last night. And now that she had a name, they were sticking together.

When they had entered the stables this morning, one of the stable hands had asked if he wanted a new horse. They had lost a lot of horses in the last expedition, but of course, they had lost a lot more people, so that meant those horses were available to take. And as the stable hand was aware, Levi's horse, unlike those up for grabs, was "not up to par."

Levi had levelled a harsh glare at the stable hand until Mike had stepped over, ushering Levi inside.

Now Levi grabbed Dusky's reins and led her outside, where the rest of the squad was waiting.

"You were in there a while," Emil said.

"She tries to kick me when I touch her hooves," Levi admitted. "It takes me a while."

"Sure you're doing it right?" Emil asked.

"I think so. They said she was sensitive about that."

"Mount up, guys," Mike said, and they did.

They walked around the fenced yard in circles, then worked up to a trot. There were exercises where they moved in figure eights, or wove between poles and jumped short hurdles, all while someone else watched them closely to observe all the horses' gait and behaviour.

After that, they took their mounts in to relieve them of their tack. The horses had worked up a sweat, so they took them to the wash rack to rinse them off. A lot of other people were around today, bathing their horses. One man next to Levi was… shampooing his horse's tail? Yes, he definitely was. And he was talking to the horse, too.

"We're gonna make you all pretty, aren't we?"

It wasn't very loud in here, despite all the people – they generally avoided being too raucous in the barns – but there was a constant murmur of friendly chatter and people sweet-talking to the animals. There was something nice about it, about all these people just focusing on their horses, caring for them, and spoiling them.

But all the chit chat just made him feel more out of place. Levi's mood, so high this morning, took a sudden nosedive.

Levi was wiping Dusky down with a cloth to get rid of excess water when Mike came by and said, "Just bring her out to the field when you're done."

Levi nodded at him and finished up as quickly as she would allow. She did not like it when he tried to towel her legs, so he backed off. "Ok then, let's go outside. You can dry off in the sun," he said, slipping her rope from the post and beginning to lead her outside. Then he realised he was talking to his horse, too.

Well, he wasn't using baby talk. So it was different.

Outside, someone's bay, who looked to be newly washed, was rolling on the dusty ground while her owner looked on in disappointment.

"Oh, you would do that."

"I told you. She does that every time if you don't dry her off enough. The dust helps her dry."

Levi ignored them and lead Dusky over to where Mike was waiting for him by the fence, hoping that Dusky wasn't about to pull the same thing and embarrass him.

When the horses were left to enjoy the sunny day, Mike brought the squad back to clean their tack, and then to pick up their gear from maintenance. They had lunch before they had to go back outside, then it was stretches and more drills, first on the ground and then in the air. This was what Levi liked most about being in the Survey Corps: using his gear to zip through the air from post to post, hitting every target, knowing that he could outperform even the professional soldiers who were watching from below.

For one peaceful moment, Levi forgot about everything. He was back in his element, and he was happy.

Then he caught a glimpse of one of the wooden titan cut outs, and stiffened, just enough to stumble on his landing. He took a second to balance himself on the tree branch he was perched on and then scowled in annoyance. Absolutely nothing could be done to preserve his good mood, it seemed.

For about the fifth time that day, Levi contemplated leaving, and how he would do it. There were a few ways he could go about it. He could just sneak off, but that seemed like more work than it was worth. Even if Erwin was willing to let him go, other people might question him if they saw him in public after just skipping out, and he would almost certainly run into someone from here eventually, since he was not going back to the Underground. He would have to wait, anyway, to get the documentation he needed to live legally on the surface, which would be preferable to illegally. He had no idea how long that would take, but figured it would be a while; they would probably need to get him a pardon.

He could just say that he wanted to quit, but Erwin might not be willing to keep his side of the bargain if Levi wasn't going to, so Levi would still have to wait. In the end, Levi decided that regardless of whether he wanted to stay, he had to stick around for a short while and avoid getting himself in trouble.

Levi shot a hook into a nearby tree and swung down off the tree branch to the ground. Hopefully this exercise would be over soon. His gear was clearly fine. From the looks of it, no one else was having trouble with theirs, and Mike had said this would be a short training session.

Emil was the first one to return to the ground after Levi. He didn't approach Levi, instead casting his gaze up to where some other soldiers were practising their own aerial maneuvers above them. Levi watched as one of them made a very hard landing, almost tripping. Then Mike and Sophie were both swinging down to where Emil stood.

They were talking amongst themselves again. Levi felt like it would be expected for him to rejoin his squad, so he walked over before Mike had an opportunity to tell him to, but it was awkward, in the same way approaching a group of strangers at a restaurant and sitting at their table unannounced would be awkward. They stopped talking when he was next to them.

"I think we're about done for the day," Mike said after a quick glance around. "Any issues?"

The other two silently shook their heads, and so Levi just did the same. Mike gave him a longer look. "Thought I saw you make a stumble out there."

"That wasn't the gear," Levi said truthfully.

Mike was slow to respond. "Ok." It seemed he wasn't concerned enough to press the issue, as he was soon bringing them back in and giving them free leave for the rest of the afternoon. It was a bit earlier than usual, but Levi figured Mike was keeping things short and easy because everyone was still tired after the expedition. Personally, Levi was grateful for the chance to be alone for a bit.

As the four of them made their way back to the barracks, they took the main walkway at the front, where a carriage was just pulling up. Mike stopped upon seeing it, although Emil and Sophie kept walking. Levi, curious, paused to see what Mike was waiting for, and saw the door open and a step lower only for Commander Shadis to make his way out.

Someone else exited the carriage after Shadis, and Levi was surprised it was someone he didn't recognise, because he had thought it would be Erwin. This man looked to be a little older than Erwin, and of average height and build. He had a hard, squarish look to him from his wide, straight shoulders and perfect posture, and his features were all harsh angles and straight lines: he had a very strong chin, straight nose, and high cheekbones, and his dark hair was brushed back from a slight widow's peak.

This man looked around the courtyard and nodded at Mike with the kind of slowness that came from deep exhaustion. His eyes looked tired. His cheeks and chin had the slightest shadow of a beard, though that was probably from how dark his hair was more than from lack of shaving; still, it gave the impression that he had just woken up. Although he was wearing a Survey Corps uniform, Levi was certain now that he had never seen this man.

Then Erwin stepped out of the carriage, a folder full of papers under one arm. Unlike his companions, Erwin looked wide awake, with not a hint of a shadow under his eyes and every blond hair in place. Of course. Levi sometimes found Erwin's perfection insufferable.

Levi was about to turn and head back inside to enjoy his free time in peace when Erwin's eyes locked with his. Levi froze a second too long to pretend he hadn't seen, and Erwin raised one hand in a sort of wave.

Levi returned the gesture without thinking. But then Erwin turned to Shadis and was speaking to him, and Levi made his retreat. He had had enough awkwardness for one day.

Levi made a beeline for his and Furlan's room, intending to clean up a bit more while the bathroom was less occupied. He grabbed his bag of toiletries and a change of clothes, then went to the bathroom.

It was mostly empty, but Levi did hear one man make an annoyed remark about "that gangster still being around," when he saw Levi walk in. Levi turned to see that there were multiple people at the sinks and mirror on the other side of the room, though they were all looking the other way, so he didn't know which one had spoken. "Fuck you," he said, although even he had to admit that there was little energy to it, not even knowing who he was saying it to.

After he had washed himself, combed his hair, and taken the opportunity to shave that he had missed this morning, Levi put on his clean clothes and soon found himself wandering aimlessly. There wasn't much to do here, and he didn't feel like socialising. For as much as he had looked forward to having time to himself, he realised that without his friends to talk to, he didn't have anything to do with that time.

If he was just going to walk around doing nothing, he may as well spend his time lying down on his own bed instead. With that thought in mind, he had turned to the stairs when he heard someone call out, "Is a 'Levi' here?"

He stopped and looked over his shoulder, though he didn't answer right away.

"That's 'Levi!' Someone named Sophie is asking for you."

Wondering what this could be about, Levi walked over to the front door, where the voice was coming from. There were two people standing next to the open doorway. There was a man, who must have opened the door, and next to him was Sophie, who carried an open-topped box under one arm.

For the first time, Levi really studied her. Sophie wore her long brown hair loose right now, and was in casual clothes. She had heavy-lidded eyes and low brows that often gave her a dark expression. If Levi had disliked her, he may have described her face as 'naturally bitchy.' Instead, he just thought of it as intense. It did not really fit her personality, though.

"Yes?" he asked.

"Thanks," Sophie told the other man, who left them alone. She turned to Levi now. "Are you busy right now?"

"Not really. What do you want?"

"Uh…." She looked hesitant. "I wanted to know if… you wanted to get Isabel's things."

"What?"

"Your friend, Isabel Magnolia. Her roommate already vacated the room. Erwin asked me to gather her personal effects for you, but I feel a bit weird going through her stuff. I thought maybe you'd want to get it yourself."

For a moment, Levi wasn't sure what to say. Sophie must have interpreted his silence poorly, because she quickly continued, "If you'd rather I just get it, of course –"

"No." The thought of strangers sorting through Furlan or Isabel's things was off-putting. Normally, the thought of anyone going through their things would be off putting. Maybe he would find things they wouldn't have wanted him to see. He had already seen all of Furlan's stuff. Furlan had a notebook full of embarrassing doodles that Levi hadn't known about and a folder of dirty pictures – _really_ dirty pictures – he'd kept in his bed that had had Levi shaking his head. Levi had no idea what kinds of things he might see in a teenage girl's room. But at least it was Levi seeing it, someone who knew and cared about them, not someone who had never known them, just trying to clear out a room. "I'll do it. Thanks."

"Come on, then. They'll give you trouble going into the women's barracks if you go alone." The two of them left and walked the short distance from the men's barracks to the women's next door. Sophie held the door open for him and he walked in.

A group of women sat at a table in the main room, playing a card game. A few of them turned to look when Sophie and Levi walked through the front door, and one of them continued to stare, a huge grin suddenly breaking out over her face.

"Damn, Sophie. You know, if you're going to try sneaking a guy upstairs, at least don't bring him in through the front door."

"Yeah," piped in a slightly older woman, with heavily scarred forearms and jet black hair cut in a cute bob. "That's what the door at the back of the laundry room's for."

There was some chuckling. "I'm not sneaking him upstairs," Sophie argued, sounding oddly defensive. "We're just here to get something."

"Oh yeah? Where you going?" asked the older woman.

For whatever reason, Levi felt like being difficult, so he spoke up. "Upstairs."

" _Levi!_ "

There was more laughter. Sophie looked momentarily at a loss for words. Then, "Like I said, we're just getting someone's things."

"Pity," mumbled the woman with the black bob. "He's kinda cute." Her voice was quiet, and may not have been meant for their ears, but a sudden drop in the laughter left her words more audible than they should have been.

"Squad Leader!" Sophie sounded mortified. She gave Levi an awkward glance, and he thought he might understand. She wasn't embarrassed about the teasing, but that he was hearing it.

"What will Emil say?" somebody else asked.

Sophie spoke up again. "He's here to get Isabel's things. The new recruit who…"

She didn't have to say it. _Died._ A sombre mood quickly swept the table.

"That's ok, right? If he comes in?"

The woman with the bob, who was a Squad Leader – had Levi heard that correctly? – gave a slight frown, looking chagrined. "Sure."

They made their way upstairs. Sophie checked the hall first to make sure no one was there, at which Levi nearly rolled his eyes. Now it really did feel like she was sneaking him in. He said so.

"I've got to make sure no one's indecent in here," she said, opening the door to the hall.

"You ladies walk around in the hallways half-naked? Weird, it's not like that in the men's barracks at all."

She gave him a hard look before opening one of the bedroom doors and ushering him in. "Interesting. You do have a sense of humour."

"What do you mean?"

She stepped inside after him and shut the door. "You were such a hardass the few times I've been around you, I was starting to think you didn't."

To avoid any further examination of his character, Levi refrained from pointing out that she hadn't been around him much. She had only seen Levi when Erwin had first captured him and his friends in the Underground and then after Furlan and Isabel died. Instead, he turned to a topic that might be pushing his luck, but whatever. "What were they saying about Emil?"

"I don't know. Here." She handed him the box she had brought with them. "That's so you can carry everything."

"Thanks. Trying to change the subject?"

"You don't really want to talk about Emil and me when you're picking up your friend's stuff, do you?"

He shot a question back. "You're not really going to sit here and watch me pick up her dirty clothes, are you?"

"Guys aren't usually allowed in here, so I feel I shouldn't leave you unattended."

"Worried I might spy on the shower room?" He turned from the door to the small room before him. "Fine, do what you want."

Sophie pulled up a stool next to the door and sat down facing the wall, looking deep in thought. He appreciated that she wasn't trying to make small talk.

The room was pretty messy, which Levi was not surprised to see. He had no doubt that Isabel was constantly being forced to pick up after herself, but she always managed to make a mess so quickly, all it would have taken was the morning before the expedition for her to do this. Her bed was made – sloppily – but there was stuff strewn across it. Her hair things took up much of the desk, and her brush had fallen on the floor, not picked up. Levi pitied the woman who had had to room with her.

Levi used a sweep of his arm to quickly scoop everything on the desk into the box, then bent for the brush. He saw more clothes under the bed, so he went for those next.

There was a pile of dirty clothes under her bed. Of course there was. At least a dozen pairs of socks, a training bra, and multiple sweaty shirts awaited him. He felt his nose wrinkle at the sight of the thongs. He remembered a long argument over these things.

"You're too young to be wearing those."

"Oh, come on. I'm thirteen!"

"Exactly."

"If I don't wear them, you can see underwear lines in these tights."

"If any guy here is looking at your butt long enough to notice your underwear lines, then he's got an upcoming meeting with my fist."

"You were obviously paying attention if you noticed."

"How could I not notice when they're sticking out over the top of your pants? Which is not a good look, by the way, but if you decide on that when you're older, it'll be none of my business."

"That's just because I bent to pick something up –"

"You're never going to have to bend in public? You better change before we leave. I'm not letting you go out like that."

"That is so totally sexist! I bet if I were a boy, you wouldn't be telling me how to dress myself."

"If you were a boy, you wouldn't be wearing those. But if you tried to pull something like that douchey half-open shirt look that's so popular right now, you bet your ass I'd be telling you to dress better."

"Furlan. Can you tell him to mind his own fucking business?" Isabel had turned to the other man, looking for a supporter.

Furlan's only response? "Watch your language."

Levi swallowed, his throat feeling uncomfortably tight. No. He wasn't going to do this right now, with Sophie right here. In fact, he wasn't going to do this ever.

The clothes on top of the bed were soon in the box as well. On top of the bedside table was a bottle of perfume that he recognised. She had been so finicky about this. Everyone in the Underground wore perfumes, since the deodorant sold down there was not that great, but Isabel had spent forever finding one that was neither too masculine, nor too flowery, because she didn't do flowery or girly.

He had never really thought about it before, but it seemed funny to him now that the same girl who had bemoaned the fact she was still in training bras and insisted on her right to wear thongs had worried about her perfume being "too girly." What a contradictory girl.

Levi was getting distracted.

He supposed he'd have to check the drawer, since the room was being cleared out. This was something he had dreaded. Drawers were private. They were where people kept things they didn't want other people to see. She had been fiercely protective over her drawers in their house, and Levi had respected the privacy, so he didn't know what he'd find.

Levi finally relented and opened the drawer, then frowned in confusion. He had been expecting women's hygiene products, or a diary, maybe even lingerie knowing her weird penchant for sexy undergarments (her insistence that the things were for practical purposes be damned). Instead, once he'd dug past the knick-knacks and a drawing Furlan had done for her, Levi had to pause to figure out what –

Levi had never blushed before in his life. It seemed like something that happened a lot in fiction, but didn't really happen much in real life. But now he felt it, the heat rising from his neck, to his ears and cheekbones. He stuffed the drawer's contents into the box, making sure to hide it under one of her shirts.

He was overcome with the simultaneous urges to laugh and bury his face in his hands, out of amusement, out of embarrassment, out of despair. He had so many conflicting emotions right now he wouldn't have been able to describe how he felt. He didn't even know how he was supposed to feel.

He stepped into Sophie's line of sight with the box in his arms.

"All done?"

"Yeah."

"Ok. Let's go."

They walked down the stairs together. Someone downstairs whistled as they came into view and Sophie gave an annoyed, "Honestly?"

"What's he doing in here? Wait, is that the new guy I've been hearing about?" There was an obviously fake scandalised gasp. "Why Sophie, he's only been in your squad for a day."

"I am so sorry," Sophie said to Levi. "I've mentioned you, but they don't really know about… what happened."

He wasn't sure why she was apologising to him. She was the one who had to room with them. He was amused that her friends all seemed convinced they had been fooling around.

"Did you actually do it?" the voice from downstairs continued. "I didn't think you'd take her advice that seriously."

Advice?

"Let me guess," Levi started. "You're so straight-laced that your friends are always on your ass to get laid in the hopes you'll relax for once." She gave him some serious side-eye. "You fit into Erwin's circle of friends perfectly."

"Is that what you think Erwin is like?" They were outside now. "I never really saw him that way."

"That just means you're worse than he is. Everybody here seems so uptight." He thought of the women making fun of Sophie just now. "Almost everybody. You don't want to be so tense all the time. Makes you constipated."

"Funny. Don't you worry about me. I'm perfectly happy." Her face had darkened into a blush from all the teasing. Levi took back that thought that it didn't happen much in real life. She certainly did not look happy right now.

That's just her bitch face, his mind supplied. That was right. Sophie was fine. She only looked to be miserable. She probably got questioned frequently about why she was so unhappy, even when she wasn't. Levi could relate.

"If you say so. Bye." He walked back to the men's barracks alone.

Levi intended to do what he'd been thinking of doing before Sophie had come over, which was mostly lie down in bed until dinner time rolled around. Once he'd closed the bedroom door, he felt a wave of relief. For a short time, he could shut the world out and have some privacy.

He felt jittery with emotion, in a way he wasn't used to anymore. His mood had swung back and forth all morning, and the visit to Isabel's room had topped it off perfectly. The tension built up in his stomach, making him feel like he wanted to laugh, but even as he thought that, the trembling in his lips and hands made him feel something else. He wanted to cry. He wanted to punch something.

Actually, what he really wanted was to feel nothing at all.

Realising that he hadn't taken anything for a while, Levi went to the back side of his bed and reached into the hole he'd cut in the mattress. How long had it been? Probably a while. They had been back for a day. But the expedition had lasted two days – no wait, three. He was actually surprised at just how long it had been, but the last few days had been total mayhem.

He sat down at the desk and opened the bag, quickly rifling through it. Mostly, it was empty tins, like the first one he pulled out. It still carried the scent of tobacco and a few crumbling brown pieces, but it had been empty for a while. Then he found the tin he wanted, popping it open to take out a small rock. He was lucky he had some left. Levi had still not figured out where he was going to get his hands on more while he waited around here for Erwin to finish his side of the bargain.

Maybe he could just make it last. He wasn't staying here forever, after all. At that moment, Levi felt pretty confident that he was, in fact, going to leave. Erwin flashed through his mind, his stupid perfect hair and that awkward wave. It irritated Levi. He wasn't going to stay here, where he was going to run into Erwin every day.

He drew his dagger from its sheath and cut the tiny rock in half. It had to last. Then he put one half away and began crushing up the rest.

Levi tried not to let his thoughts wander, but they did. As much as he tried to tell himself that he was staying in the Survey Corps for a reason, because Erwin had promised to grant him papers to let him live on the surface, and the possibility of a new life, it felt like he was doing it more by default. He was drifting right now, with nowhere to go, and nothing to do with his life. What else was he supposed to do? Could he even trust Erwin to keep his promise? Maybe not, but the sad thing was that he didn't have a better option. And as much as he disliked admitting it to himself, he probably could trust Erwin.

Probably, of course, was not definitely, but when Levi had trusted Erwin with his life on the expedition, Erwin had come through. Maybe he would do it again.

Levi had finished making a perfect line out of what was left of the rock, and was now tightly rolling up one of the pieces of paper he used for rolling cigarettes. He quickly snorted the line he'd made with the paper straw and sat back, hit with the urge to sneeze. Instead of doing that, he closed his eyes and scrunched up his nose until it passed. Then he slipped the paper back inside his bag and shoved that back into the mattress.

He lay back on his bed, waiting for it to kick in, and stared up at the top bunk above him. That inevitably made him think of Furlan, who had slept in that top bunk, so he closed his eyes instead and tried to think of nothing.

Twenty minutes later, Levi was up and about, feeling normal again for the first time in days. He had sorted through Isabel and Furlan's things, setting aside their dirty clothes and folding the rest. Everything the two of them owned fit into that small box easily, with room to spare. If Levi got himself killed, then whoever cleared out his room would be able to get all of Levi's things into that box along with theirs, no problem.

It was a strange thing to think about, and he felt a shadow of something underneath his general feeling of well-being, something that told him that their possessions all tucked away together like that was a pitiable thing, but the feeling was too far under the surface for him to fully grasp it. He gathered up their dirty clothes and took them to the laundry room to wash.

He didn't even know why he was doing this. There was not much purpose in washing clothes that were not going to be worn again, but he wasn't keeping dirty clothes next to his bed.

He used the time spent washing clothes to ponder his options again. Did he actually want to leave? Now he thought about it again, he wasn't sure. That might just be his good mood talking, but he had a roof over his head and food on the table here. He had been in worse situations. It was dangerous work, of course, but Levi was used to dangerous. It had been too dangerous for Furlan and Isabel, but even still he had no doubts he could handle it. Furlan and Isabel had been tough, but they were pretty normal in the end. Levi wasn't like normal people. He had been trained to be able to adapt to anything, to live through anything.

Levi couldn't believe he had still not decided if he was staying or not. He was a little disgusted with himself for his indecisiveness, but that was nothing new. Levi had been taught to adapt to his surroundings, not to decide on them.

He looked up from his work as he finished wringing the water out of the last shirt, noticing how quiet the laundry room was. There weren't a lot of other people in here, probably because everyone was waiting for dinner.

Levi paused at that thought. That was right. It would be dinner time soon. He didn't really want to go, but he knew he had to. He didn't want Mike to come to his room and bitch at him again. After asking another soldier how much time was left before dinner, Levi borrowed a clothesline and some pins from the laundry room and took them and his friends' newly-washed clothes back to his room.

It was a funny-looking setup when he had the clothesline hanging between Furlan's top bunk and the desk at an angle, but it would do for now. He hung up the clothes, pinning them all so they wouldn't slide down the angled line. Then he left his room with the intent of going outside, maybe taking a walk before dinner.

"Levi. Can we talk in my office?"

He had seen Erwin as soon as he had the door halfway open but had no way of getting away from him. It was childish, perhaps, to try to avoid the other man, but he still did not know how to act in front of him.

Oh well. He knew he had a punishment coming, so he may as well get that over with.

Levi waited until the people nearby had wandered a bit further away. "What about? Is it about what I did to you on the expedition?"

"No. There's some paperwork that needs to be finished, but I need to talk to you first."

Levi followed Erwin to his office, his thoughts in a whirlwind. All day, he had been seriously considering leaving, but even after all that, he had not settled on anything. He wasn't sure what Erwin's reaction would be if he did leave, but Levi had some questions he should get answered before he made a final decision, and Erwin would be the most sensible person to ask. The only problem was, not tipping him off to Levi's plans might prove difficult, and he definitely did not want Erwin to know what he was thinking before he'd made a decision.

Erwin held the door open for him and said, "Please have a seat."

Levi flopped into a chair in front of the desk and crossed his legs and arms. "Are we gonna be here for a while?"

"Uh, no. Not too long. I don't want to make us late for dinner." Erwin made his way around to the other side of the desk and sat down.

Erwin did not talk to him right away. He was sorting out paper, and Levi quickly began to wonder why he was here. "This place is pretty empty. No pictures."

"I keep it strictly professional. I do share this office with a few people."

"I thought it was just yours."

"I think technically it is, but Hange's always leaving stuff here." Erwin gestured to a pile of things on a side table, where Levi saw an open knapsack full of books and clothes, a hairbrush and ponytail, and piles of paper.

"Girlfriend?" Levi asked, nodding at Hange's things.

Erwin looked genuinely startled at the question. "Uh, no."

"Huh." Levi was done making small talk. Erwin was boring.

"Ok, so are you staying in the Survey Corps, Levi?"

"Huh?"

"Well, never mind that for now. I've basically finished most of your paperwork, so it's just your medical records we need to work on. You've never been to a proper doctor's office or had a physical exam, I assume?"

"No."

"So we have to fill out this form as though you have. Your records need to be sent in to make sure you're fit for combat. I know it seems silly."

"Wouldn't it have made more sense to do this before the expedition?"

"Yes, well, I may have forgotten."

"You forgot?"

"...I didn't feel like doing the paperwork in the instance you just left after the expedition."

"You mean in the instance all three of us died."

"No, that isn't what I mean."

Levi was losing his patience. "Wouldn't it be easier for me to just go to a doctor?"

"Yes, and I would ask you to do that, but these are supposed to be done by one of our doctors, and they're not here right now. I was also supposed to send it in a while ago, so we can't wait for one of them to come back." Erwin shrugged, mostly with his hands. "So we're going to fudge it."

That actually amused Levi a bit. "Really? You're going to lie on these government forms? Isn't that illegal?"

Erwin's lips twitched like he was fighting the urge to grin. "You're not new to that kind of thing."

"I thought this was supposed to be my chance to make a new start, and leave my life of crime and debauchery behind."

Now Erwin laughed. What was happening? Were they actually sitting here having a friendly chat? And Levi had made Erwin laugh? While Levi did have a history of making quick turnarounds with people who had once been enemies, this was odd even for him. He actually had to remind himself that he had tried to kill this man not two days before.

"I'm impressed to see what an upstanding citizen you've become. I hope you won't make this difficult for me."

"Yeah, do whatever you want. Just fill them out. I don't care what you put." Erwin looked hesitant. "It's not like you're going to make me out to be some psychopathic midget with erectile dysfunction, are you?"

Levi realised he was being awfully talkative and playful today. Erwin would definitely find that weird. He should tone that down.

"Oh no, of course not. But it would be better if you filled them out." Erwin's voice shook with repressed laughter. He handed a sheaf of papers to Levi, who finally uncurled himself to lean over and grab them. "It would be best if they were accurate."

Levi took one glance through the papers even though he knew he wouldn't be able to do it. "Yeah… sorry, no." He gave them back to Erwin. Sensing the other man was about to question him, he said, "There are too many words."

"You're kidding?"

"No, I'm not. I don't read well. I don't write very well either. Don't tell me you're surprised."

"No. I guess it just didn't occur to me."

"Just write whatever for the unimportant stuff, and if anything important comes up, just ask me."

"It's all pretty important."

"Then just read me the questions and I'll answer."

"Are you sure? Some of them can get kind of personal."

"About what?"

"Like about sexual history, or drug use."

"Yes, I've done both of those things. We're adults, aren't we?" Levi did not see the big deal.

"Alright. Well, to start, I need your full name. I'd been meaning to ask about that anyway for your citizenship papers."

"It's Levi."

"No, I mean I need your last name."

"Don't have one." Levi was back to his curled up position, all folded up around himself.

"What would you like to appear on your records?"

"Just Levi."

After a pause, Erwin began scribbling something down on the paper. "Okay…. How old are you?"

"I don't know."

"Can you give me an estimate?"

"Furlan tried to figure it out once, based on… stuff I told him about myself. Going off what he said, I'd be about... thirty now, I guess."

Erwin's eyebrows shot up. "You don't look thirty."

Levi wasn't sure what to say in response to someone telling him he didn't look his age, so he just added with more certainty, "Well it's definitely around there."

Erwin jotted that down as he said, "So I'm assuming you don't know your birthday?"

"My mother said it was December 25th."

Erwin froze at that. "Really?"

"Yes. I do know some things about myself."

For some reason, Erwin had a very pleased look on his face. "No, I'm sure you do. Just… I mean, really?"

"Why? Is that day special?"

Erwin seemed to sober up a bit at the question, and Levi was frustrated that he didn't know why. Honestly, he didn't want to drag this out, so when Erwin just answered with, "It's a holiday, but I guess it's not that big a deal," Levi let it go, even though he suspected there was more.

"Your height and weight?"

"Five foot three, and I'm not sure," Levi deadpanned, but inside he was cringing. He didn't like to think that he was sensitive about his height, but he didn't really enjoy attention being brought to it.

"They should have weighed you when they were finetuning your gear. We can check that later." Erwin flipped a page. "Do you have any tattoos or birthmarks?"

"Why do they ask about that?"

"I said it could get kind of personal."

"I don't think it's all that personal, I'm just curious why they care."

"It's for identification purposes."

"Identification?" It took a few seconds for it to click. "Oh, you mean if my head gets bitten off by a titan, that's a way to figure out whose corpse is whose. Pretty morbid."

Erwin looked distinctly uncomfortable with the conversation's current direction. "Can you just tell me if you do or not?"

Levi might not want Erwin dead anymore, but that didn't mean that he wouldn't enjoy annoying him when he got the chance. "Yeah, I got a tattoo. It's right here." He slapped his left butt cheek. "It says 'Kiss my ass.' Do you have to see it?"

Erwin's brows drew a little closer together, but to his credit, his face remained otherwise unchanged. "No. I'll just trust that it's there." He actually put his pen to the paper.

"It doesn't really."

"Hmm?"

"It doesn't say that. I lied. It was a joke." How could someone so clever also be so dense?

"Oh. Of course it was a joke." Erwin cracked a very awkward smile. "So… what does it really say?"

Levi leaned back more in his chair, getting comfortable, since he might be here a while – there were more questions than he'd thought there would be – and giving Erwin a flat stare. He didn't know whether he wanted to answer or not, so he didn't.

"Or do you not even have one? That was a joke too?"

After a moment of observing Erwin's awkwardness – the poor bastard didn't seem to know what to do with any humour, probably because he was so boring and humourless – Levi cut him some slack and started talking again. "I do."

"Is it… where you said?"

Levi quirked one eyebrow at him.

Erwin chuckled, and it sounded downright uncomfortable. "Like I said, it can –"

"– get kind of personal." With an annoyed sigh, Levi continued, "It's where I said. But I'm not telling you what it is."

"But –"

"That's only for a select few special people to know about, and you aren't one of them."

Erwin seemingly relented, writing something down. "I'm almost afraid to ask about piercings," he said, and Levi was pretty sure he was joking back.

"Don't, then."

"Okay, moving on. Do you drink?"

"Yes. Frequently."

"I did mean alcohol."

"I know. I'm not stupid."

"Well you've been such a smartass up to this point, I wasn't really sure. How much?"

"I've never kept track. Probably more than the average person. Water isn't always very clean in the Underground, so everyone just drinks beer all day, cause it's safer. It's usually pretty weak, though. And I haven't had one for a bit."

"Do you smoke?"

"Yeah."

"How much?"

"Usually just a couple a day. They're getting expensive."

"That's bad for your lungs," Erwin said without even looking up from the paper he was writing on, as though he wasn't even thinking about what he was saying.

"In this line of work, that's the last thing I'm worried about. And again, I haven't had a smoke in a while. I ran out weeks ago."

"Is that why you've seemed so grouchy?"

"Nah, that's probably just cause of my dead friends." The disturbed look Erwin gave him actually made Levi feel bad. He couldn't help but want to torment Erwin a little, but he realised that he actually preferred their casual banter to sending nasty remarks Erwin's way. "Yeah, I know that wasn't fair."

Erwin looked like he was seriously mulling over what he was about to say. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"What do you think?"

"I think you don't, but you probably should. It doesn't have to be with me. I understand if you don't especially like me."

"It isn't like that."

"It's perfectly alright with me if you don't like me. Do a good job around here and you can hate my guts for all I care."

"It really isn't like that. I wasn't saying that to be polite." Levi approached the topic head on, figuring it was best if they got this out of the way now. "If it seems like I dislike you, it isn't personal."

"If you say so."

"Are we almost done these questions?"

"We're getting there, yes. Do you have any long-term medical conditions?"

"No."

"Do you take any prescriptions?"

"I've never been to a doctor," Levi reminded him.

"I'm sure if you felt you needed any, you could've gotten your hands on medication on your own."

"I suppose so. But no."

"And do you use any drugs recreationally?"

"I guess I have to say no, since that's against the rules."

"Whatever you say for this," Erwin lifted the sheets he was writing on for emphasis, "I didn't hear it."

"It's the same as I said before: I haven't in weeks. Basically, since I left the Underground I've been totally clean."

"That's… not good."

"It isn't?"

"Not if you're not used to it. Going cold turkey isn't always a good idea."

"I guess that's just one more reason we shouldn't have put off me really going to the doctor."

"I'm sorry."

"Why? I'm clearly fine."

"If you need any help getting off of anything, one of our doctors could help."

"It's not like I'm some hardcore user." From the look of him, Erwin was the kind of guy whose understanding of recreational drug use didn't include anything beyond kids smoking dope at bush parties or noblemen ODing on pills in their hotel rooms. Well, Levi wasn't going to give him a lesson. "I'll be fine."

"Very well. Thank you for humouring me with this. I know it was an annoyance. Just make sure to make any necessary amendments when you do finally see your doctor." It was like he assumed Levi had lied to him. Erwin slid the papers into a folder, then pulled out another set. "These are the papers I need to submit in order to get you your citizenship."

So he was actually going to do it. It was starting to look like blondie was going to come through after all.

"They will need to make you a birth certificate, too. I was wondering if you would tell me your parents' names."

Not "if you could tell me your parents' names," or "if you knew your parents' names." Erwin was always so polite.

"My mother's name was Kuchel. As I said, we didn't go by a last name."

Erwin paused, but did not press, perhaps having expected that Levi would have had nothing to say about a father.

"Just put nothing for my father. I don't want that asshole's name on my stupid birth certificate anyway."

"Of course." There was that painfully polite voice again. Levi knew what he was probably thinking: that Levi wasn't keeping his father's name blank because he didn't like him, but because he didn't know who he was. Well that wasn't true, but Erwin could think whatever he wanted.

"I think that's that," Erwin finished.

Levi was still waiting for Erwin to mention something about a punishment. "You want anything else?" Levi asked.

"No, I think we're good for now."

"Really?" Levi's gaze dropped involuntarily to Erwin's hand, which was currently wrapped in a light gauze. It was the hand he was writing with. "Shouldn't you not be using that?" he said without thinking.

Erwin gave him a bemused look. "That's not concern, is it?"

It had been. Levi didn't like seeing people do stupid things. "Not really. Just wondering is all."

"I'm almost done all my paperwork for today," Erwin said as way of explanation.

Levi shrugged to show that he didn't really care. Since he didn't want to be dreading it coming up indefinitely, he said, "Mike said that when you got back I would be in trouble."

"Did he, now?"

"So…?"

"I haven't decided on anything. But I suppose… cleaning the bathroom in the men's barracks would be punishment enough, in my mind."

Mike must have told him. "You're really gonna just let that go? I was actually gonna kill you, you know."

"You weren't going to kill me, Levi. You hesitated with that swing, and I'm sure that isn't like you."

"A lot was going through my mind at the time. But I was _trying_ to kill you."

"I know." Erwin looked him in the eye now, and Levi was once again struck by the intensity of the other man's stare. Erwin had the eyes of a man who had seen a lot, and knew a lot, and planned ten steps ahead. "I hope we're past that now." Levi nodded. "In which case, there wouldn't be much point in punishing you, and I don't know that you would even care. I'm not looking for an excuse to get petty revenge. Let's just try to move forward."

"Fine."

"Since you're still here, I may as well tell you: the commander was thinking of transferring you to a different squad. As in, not mine. But it's not set in stone, yet. Do you have a preference about whether you stay or not? I'm curious about your opinion."

"It doesn't matter to me."

"Very well. You'll probably be going to another squad, then. I'll let you go for now. See you at dinner."

Levi stood up and made his way to the door, then stopped. "One thing."

"Yes?"

"There were no questions about sexual history."

"I'm sorry?"

"You had said there would be, so I was waiting for it. I had braced myself and everything."

Erwin's laugh was short, like he was trying to hold it back. "I skipped that one. I thought it would be awkward."

As opposed to the rest of the conversation. Levi gave out a short huff of air that was as close as he ever came to laughing himself, and left.

A short while later, Levi found himself sitting at a table in the mess hall with Erwin's squad, dinner in front of them. Commander Shadis made his way to the front of the room to address all the soldiers.

"Good evening, everyone. I am glad to be back with you all tonight, after this most recent expedition. I apologise for not being here for our first dinner back.

"Firstly, allow me to give my condolences to anyone grieving fallen comrades."

 _So,_ every _one,_ Levi thought.

"This last expedition's numbers are disheartening, I know, after our high hopes for it."

Levi turned away from Shadis and his stupid speech, annoyance clear on his face, when he caught sight of Erwin. The man looked downright crushed. Levi remembered the look on Erwin's face when he'd found Levi amidst the bodies of his squad and the titans, and the thought Levi had had that Erwin seemed disappointed and surprised, like things had not gone his way. This expression was similar, only worse.

When Levi tuned back in to Shadis's speech, the man was already past talk of the dead. "Because of this, we may have a while to wait yet before our next expedition. But we are not giving up. I believe in the purposes of the Survey Corps, and I promise to continue to argue these purposes to those in charge who –"

With a sigh, Levi raked one hand through his hair in annoyance. This was boring. When were they going to be allowed to eat? And then leave?

"– benefits to humanity. Thank you. Let's enjoy our dinner, shall we?" Shadis stepped down from the short dais.

Fucking finally. Levi picked up a fork and asked, "Was that supposed to be motivational?" No one answered, so he turned to his food.

The fare was fancier than usual. Everything was a little richer than normal, the bread nice and buttery, the juice sweet and not tangy like yesterday. He hadn't really meant to eat, but found himself doing so thoughtlessly. The main dish consisted of cuts of beef, with rice and vegetables as a side. The meat had been well seasoned, with a bit of a kick to it. Levi wasn't used to meat or hot spices, but it was good all the same.

The others were talking, and Levi was doing his best not to join in the conversation. At times like this, when he had recently taken some of his "pick-me-up" as he sometimes referred to it, he was more talkative than usual. Sometimes he would use that to his advantage. In fact, he sometimes wondered if his lack of talkativeness most of the time was because he relied too much on drugs to help him make conversation. As it was, he was being very careful not to act too different around the others. He had already been too close to goofy with Erwin. He was pretty sure they would find it weird if he suddenly joined in with their banter or started cracking jokes.

At one point, Emil turned to Levi and asked, "You were hanging out with Sophie? I'm glad you're going out more."

Someone must have mentioned his trip to Isabel's room. Levi finished his drink. "Yeah." Then, because he knew it would draw attention away from him, "The girls there were teasing her about you. You guys together?"

Emil looked shocked, but as predicted, the conversation immediately turned away from Levi as Sophie jumped in to deny it at the same time a few others piped up in amusement.

"What was that?" Erwin asked, looking up from his meal without the disappointment from earlier.

"I don't understand why people think that. We're just friends," Sophie said.

"We are pretty close." Emil didn't seem as bothered by the rumour. _He mustn't get teased as much,_ Levi thought.

"But that's not special," she said.

"That cuts me deep, Sophie," Emil replied, with a hurt expression that looked like overacting. "It cuts me real deep."

"Oh, stop it. You're going to give people the wrong idea." She looked back to her food as she began cutting her meat.

"It's fine, as long as you understand how I really feel about you." His voice gave nothing away, but Emil's gaze lingered on Sophie in a way Levi could only describe as gentle. The overacting was gone. Everyone paused, a few people seemingly watching Emil.

Damn it. Levi had wanted to avoid attention, not cause drama. He very clearly focused on his meal, swallowing a bite that was a bit too salty for his taste, pretending that he had not been paying attention to anything.

"Anyway..." Erwin said, "It's good to be back here." It was an awkward segue, clearly intended to change the subject, but it worked. Even Mike helped along by speaking up about what they'd done while Erwin was gone. Maybe Levi wasn't the only one uncomfortable with the sudden tension at the table. Mike had been almost as quiet as him until now.

Levi ate his food methodically. He wasn't really enjoying it anymore. Plus, he had little interest in what the others were saying. Now that people weren't talking to him again, he began planning out the rest of his day, well into the night. He had not gotten to finish cleaning before, and if he was quiet enough not to disturb anyone sleeping, he could probably get away with doing some more tonight. Then the barracks would actually be finished. After that, he could clean his gear, which had a heavy white dust and some scuffing on it since it had come back from maintenance. And when all that was done, he could take a shower. The thought made him incredibly happy, and he was starting to feel impatient to get started.

Hopefully no one would care if Levi left earlier than them. He wanted dinner to be over soon, but a quick glance at the others' plates showed they had a lot of their meals left, probably because they kept stopping to talk.

Levi dropped his eyes back to his cut of beef as he sliced off a piece and suddenly felt his stomach turn. He watched his knife cut through the meat, the small fibers of it pulling from the serrated edge as he sawed at a slightly dry bit, in a detached way, as though he were not doing it himself. Suddenly, the sight of the juice flowing out of it as the slightest tinge of pink became visible in the middle was just… gross.

The sight of his blades slicing through the back of a titan's neck came clear to his mind.

He looked up at the others at the table, Erwin's squad, and another squad next to them. They were still talking, acting so loud with each other. He remembered comparing them all to animals, like the beasts in the stables, and the comparison came back now, unbidden. Someone lifted a forkful of beef to their mouth, and he stared in horrified fascination at their teeth as they parted their lips. Others were doing the same, and they all had such awful mouths. He felt his pulse quicken.

To his left, Mike stabbed a piece of meat with his fork, lifted it and bit at it. Levi turned away in disgust. He noticed now how salty and greasy the food was. It felt heavy within him, like he'd overeaten, although he wasn't finished. In front of him, Erwin picked up some of his beef with his fork, leaving a small puddle of the greasy red juice behind on his plate, and Levi's stomach dropped.

He felt his abdomen clench as the hot, tingly feeling of nausea swept over him. Levi pushed his plate away as he leaned back, trying to distance himself from the smell. Saliva pooled in the back corners of his mouth, and he knew what was coming.

Levi jumped up off the bench, with the intent of getting away before it hit, clapping a hand over his mouth as the movement rocked him.

Erwin looked up at him in surprise. "Everything alright?"

Levi felt the nausea temporarily subside now he wasn't looking at the food anymore. Still desperately trying to act normal, he figured he had to say something. He opened his mouth to respond. That was his mistake.

The vomit burst forth from his mouth despite his best efforts to hold it in and sprayed from between his fingers, across the table, and spilled down the front of his shirt. It was on his hand, and down his chin, it was all over him. He dropped his hands to the table – including the dirty one, he soon realised in horror – and heaved again in revulsion.

It was always a nasty cycle for him, when he threw up. The idea of vomit, not to mention the smell, was so repulsive to him it often made him sick again. He knew people were staring, which only made him feel worse. Just like the second night of the expedition, when he had been covered in blood, he tried talking himself down from the panic and disgust with his usual method.

 _It's not a big deal. Everyone throws up once in a while. This means it's not in your body anymore, whatever gross thing wasn't agreeing with you. You can go brush your teeth as soon as this is done._

He became distantly aware of people's reactions around him.

"Is he OK?"

"Wait, what happened?"

"Eww."

"Levi, are you alright?"

"Oh, Erwin, gross."

Levi felt his heart beat jump at that last comment. Why would somebody be talking about Erwin like that? Then it occurred to him. Erwin had been sitting right across from him. No.

Levi was done retching for now, so he looked up, wiping at his mouth with the back of his hand. There was vomit on Erwin's plate, and some on his shirt. The man was wiping at his mouth and chin as well, which Levi tried not to dwell on. There was no longer any panic or disgust, not with the shame Levi suddenly felt. Other people had seen that. They thought he was gross. And he had gotten it on somebody else. The idea that something dirty from his body had gotten on somebody else was so incredibly upsetting, that the humiliation actually managed to cut through the fake drug-induced happiness he had forced on himself.

Even worse, Erwin looked more surprised than anything. He should have been upset. "Are you not feeling well?" Erwin asked.

Other people were looking at them too, from multiple tables, including one guy who was laughing with a repulsed look on his face, like an obnoxious young boy who thought gross things were cool. It only made Levi feel more ashamed. Rather than say anything, he stumbled over the bench he'd been seated at and marched out of the room.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Three Summary:

An emotional visit to Isabel's room causes Levi to retreat further into his own head, and he slides back into some destructive habits. Levi still hasn't made a final decision on staying with the Survey Corps.

Erwin has some more housekeeping to do, and he and Levi have a comfortable conversation over paperwork, but Levi's good mood doesn't last through dinner.

Chapter Four

Erwin steeled himself for a potentially awkward conversation just as he lifted his hand to knock. He tapped lightly on the door, twice. Nothing. He knocked again, a little harder this time. "Levi?"

Nothing.

He slowly twisted the doorknob, to ensure he wouldn't startle Levi awake if he was indeed still there, and opened the door, taking a single step inside.

The room was immaculate, with everything carefully put away. The beds were both neatly made. There were some clothes in a box on the desk that had been carefully folded and Levi's uniform jacket was hanging on the wall peg, but it looked otherwise empty. There were no shoes near the door, no books or toiletries on the desk, or anything that one might expect to see in a place someone was living in. It looked like an abandoned room.

Erwin stepped around the door so he could see the other set of pegs on the wall, just to confirm his suspicions. Levi's 3DMG wasn't there either.

Erwin simply stood there for a moment, a hand on the doorknob still, and absorbed the facts before him. Nothing was confirmed yet, but he wasn't going to rifle through the drawers and closet to check their contents, or ask everyone on the base if they had seen a short, grumpy looking man going anywhere. Erwin did not see much point in denying the obvious. He was honestly not surprised, but he still allowed himself some disappointment. This was not how he had wanted all of this to end.

His injured right hand suddenly protested its place on the doorknob with a sharp twinge, and he jerked it up reflexively, only to have the door shut on him, and cut off all the light from the hallway. He gave a frustrated groan as he began moving his hand up and down, searching for the doorknob.

Moments later, Erwin was making his way towards his office when he saw Gerhardt leaning against a wall, looking as though he was waiting for Erwin to show. The man's eyes flickered down to Erwin's bandaged hand, which Erwin was still clutching protectively with the other. "You okay?"

"Yes, it's fine." Erwin dropped his hand and let it hang at his side in what he hoped looked like a casual pose. As Erwin made his way down the hallway, Gerhardt pushed himself off the wall and followed.

"Did you check up on that guy?"

It was tempting to give Gerhardt a repeat of the other day and remind him of Levi's name, but Erwin didn't want to needle his friend more than he had to. "He wasn't there."

"He's not gone, is he?"

Erwin had reached his office by now, and he turned to Gerhardt as he opened the door. "Could you try not to say anything about this to Shadis just yet?" Then he stepped inside, without waiting for a response.

* * *

A stiff breeze blew some of Levi's hair into his eyes. He hadn't noticed before, but it seemed it was getting a bit long. Levi ran his hand along the back of his head. He always used the short hair there to gauge when it needed a trim, and he confirmed that it did. That meant it had been longer since they'd arrived up here than it felt, quite a bit longer.

He was currently on a tree branch, very high up. When he looked down, where his legs dangled comfortably, he could see a straight drop to the ground, no branches directly beneath him to break his fall.

He had gotten up here with ease using his 3DMG, which he was currently wearing without any swords, since the soldiers were not allowed to take those with them back to their rooms. It felt a lot lighter without the weapons hanging off his hips, and he preferred it this way, preferred manoeuvring his arms with only the bladeless trigger handles than with those long swords sticking out. This was how he was used to using the gear. He had never been able to afford the cost of constantly replacing expensive, easily dulled blades with a penchant for breaking.

He wasn't unarmed, of course. He had a couple of daggers on his person, which was generally all he needed.

Constantly, his mind had been drifting back to last night. He could still remember the feeling of the nausea, and his skin crawled at the memory of his vomit down his own front, across the table and dinner plates, on Erwin's shirt. He could already feel an unsettling clench in his abdomen, and so he forced his thoughts away.

The pretty view was a nice distraction, with trees and rolling hills and, to his left, a sunrise just on its way out. Levi's understanding of the geography around here was mostly superficial, but he did know that they were stationed along the southern half of human territory, where the titans congregated more thickly along the outermost Wall. He could see one of the Walls in the distance, stretching across the entire horizon, but he didn't know which – was he facing north or south? A more knowledgeable person should have been able to figure it out based on the sun, but never having needed the knowledge, Levi couldn't remember if the sun rose in the east or the west.

He knew he was wasting time, trying to avoid the inevitable. Levi stood and sunk a hook into the tree trunk, then slowly lowered himself back down to the ground. It wasn't very far to the base, but Levi kept a leisurely pace.

When he got back to the front gate of the base's barracks, it was getting on in the day, almost noon. As he approached, he was intercepted by the guard, who had looked extremely bored until she'd perked up at the sight of him approaching.

"Can I ask your name and business?" At least she was friendly enough.

"I'm Levi. I live here."

"Your full name?"

"That is my full name."

She paused for a noticeable few seconds. "You're in the Survey Corps?"

"Yeah."

"OK. Do you have any ID?"

"Uh…." He had to think for a moment about what would count as ID. "I have this." He fished within his shirt and pulled out his dog tags.

"OK. Do you have any other ID?"

"No?" He was confused. Did they do this every time someone came to the gate?

"Alright, I'll just write you in." It didn't seem to matter what he did or didn't have, as her response was to simply flip open a notebook and skim over the first page. "Ah, Levi." There was something in there about him? "Squad Leader Erwin Smith is looking for you. He left a message requesting you find him either at the front of the training grounds, or in his office. It says you're to see him immediately."

"Sure. So I'm good to go in?"

"Yeah, you're fine."

He didn't head straight to see Erwin, since he didn't feel up to it, going instead to his room. He rid himself of his gear, grabbed his bag of toiletries from the drawer, and headed to the bathroom. After brushing his teeth last night, he had gone to his room for a bit and then headed straight out, needing some alone time, and he still had his full morning routine to go through.

The bathroom was empty. Good. He was usually up before everyone else, and therefore didn't have to share the space, and he preferred it that way. No one to make rude comments about his being here, no one trying to strike up awkward conversation while he was brushing his teeth. It did feel a little odd knowing everyone was outside and doing work already. Being in here before everyone felt right. Being here after everyone else felt lazy.

He brushed his teeth again, because thinking about yesterday's dinner all morning had given him the unshakable feeling that his mouth was unclean and that there was still an aftertaste from his vomit. Then he lathered up his face and started shaving. He was taking his time about it, since he hadn't been, the last few days, and he was starting to look scruffy.

The door to the bathroom opened and someone stepped in. Levi paused and looked through the mirror, half his face and throat still lathered in soap, to see who it was.

It was Erwin. Levi almost hadn't recognised him, with his blond hair hanging in his face and his expression so distracted. Erwin was holding his hands out awkwardly, one under the other, cupped as though he was trying to hold water in his hands.

Levi's first instinct was to avoid eye contact and keep his head turned, so Erwin would not notice him, but that was stupid. Between his hair and his height, there was no way Erwin wouldn't recognise him.

It turned out not to matter because Erwin was not paying attention to anything else at the moment. He rushed straight to the row of sinks and as soon as he parted his hands, blood that had pooled in the lower one dripped into one of the sinks. Erwin began gingerly peeling off the bandages from his right hand, which were soaked in blood along his palm.

Now every instinct Levi had was insisting he turn away and head into the showers, and hope Erwin was gone by the time he finished. He didn't like social interactions that were not on his terms, but he also felt cowardly for avoiding Erwin so much. Erwin had at least been pleasant, and Levi would prefer to keep it that way. Resolved to be pleasant himself and stay on Erwin's good side, Levi more closely examined the man's bloody hands.

"What did you do to yourself?"

Erwin turned his head at the question rather quickly, like he had just noticed Levi was there. Levi casually went back to shaving.

"Must have reopened it when I leaned on it too hard. I probably should be cutting back on training for a while. I'm not doing a good job of going easy on it."

The bandages were off and Erwin was now rinsing his hand under the tap. The water pooled pink around the drain. Levi could see the stitches across Erwin's palm, wrapping around the base of his thumb. Most of it appeared to be healing well. The area above his thumb, between the thumb and index finger, was where the bleeding seemed to be coming from. It was a sensitive place to have a cut, let alone stitches, and Levi felt an unpleasant tingle down his spine at the sight.

As he continued with the careful scrapes of the razor along his cheek, Levi also watched as Erwin finished rinsing his hand, patted it dry on a towel, and raked his hair out of his face into a semblance of its usual style, then started fumbling awkwardly with a bag he was trying to open with only his left hand.

It was incredibly frustrating to watch someone try so hard, and fail so miserably, at something relatively simple. "Do you need help, or what?"

Erwin turned to look at him again, right hand still held out as one drop of blood made its way down his wrist, but he seemed at a loss for words. Levi didn't wait for a yes.

"Here, hold on." With two more scrapes of the razor along his upper lip, Levi was done shaving anyway. He rinsed his face and washed his hands, dried them on a towel, and grabbed Erwin's bag. He undid the buckle and opened it to see various medical supplies inside, including needles and thread, bandages, rubbing alcohol and pill bottles.

"Do you need new stitches?" As he asked, Levi's eyes drifted over to assess the bleeding, and it didn't seem that bad.

"I don't think so." Erwin was giving him a strange look. "I'll probably just wrap it up again."

"Kay. I can do that." Levi took from the bag what he felt he needed and gestured for Erwin to bring over his right hand.

Erwin did so, slowly. "I can do it."

"It's a lot easier to do with two hands." Levi had recognised a common mild antiseptic gel in the bag that seemed good for this purpose, so he dabbed some on before he placed a soft piece of cloth over the cut, applying a bit of pressure to the open part above the thumb. Then he took a long strip of bandage and began to wrap it tightly around Erwin's hand.

It was weird to be treating an injury he'd inflicted himself. He tried not to think too hard on it.

Levi pressed Erwin's thumb a little closer to his hand, to continue wrapping the bandage around the base of the hand and wrist, and Erwin cringed. "That's a bit tight."

"Gotta stop the bleeding," Levi said, finishing up with brusque efficiency. "You don't want it to fall off." He used two small metal hooks to hold the bandaging closed, and it was done.

"It'll be hard to write like this." It seemed like Erwin was speaking more to himself. He moved his thumb a bit, as though testing his range. There wasn't much; Levi had wrapped it tight, to keep the pressure and stop any more bleeding.

"Well you shouldn't be writing with it anyway, dumbass." Levi had already turned to gather his things, and realised what he'd said. "Sorry. I didn't –"

"It's fine. You're right, of course." Erwin had tossed the roll of bandage back into the bag and closed the flap, though he didn't bother with the buckle. "I don't try to be a difficult patient, but I suppose I am, sometimes."

Levi had put most of his things away as well, and they both paused, unsure what came next. Levi just hoped they wouldn't talk about last night's dinner.

Erwin spoke first. "Where were you this morning?"

"Emil found me last night, said I could sleep in if I wanted. I didn't think anyone would miss me."

"That's fine. I sent Emil to tell you to take it easy this morning. But you're usually up early, so when I didn't see you around 10, I looked for you. To be honest, I didn't think you'd actually sleep in."

"You were right. I went for a walk instead." Remembering his return to the base, Levi added, "You did think to leave a message for me at the gate."

"I did. But not because I thought you would come back." Levi's confusion must have shown on his face, because Erwin continued, "I thought you left."

"You mean, forever?"

"Yes."

This was the second time Erwin had brought up the subject of whether Levi was staying in the Survey Corps or not. "Now why would I do that?" Levi asked, as though it was a preposterous idea.

Erwin smiled. "Oh, I don't know."

"Why bother to leave a message then?"

"In case you came back, of course."

"But you thought I wasn't going to."

"But you might have."

"Can you really afford to spend as much time thinking about me as you do?" It was something that had been bothering Levi for a while. Erwin seemed like a busy man, and yet he had all this time: time to go to the Underground, to find and arrest Levi and his friends, to check in on them as much as he had even when they weren't in his squad. Erwin had taken his own squad, and left the main troop, to check on the site where Levi had been, though Levi was sure that they would have only seen steam from a bunch of dead titans before they arrived, so why? Because he thought it was their squad, perhaps? Why had Erwin taken that risk to check, even though the lack of signal flares should have told him that no one was waiting for him there?

 _Why?_ Why was he doing any of it?

"I don't spend any more time thinking about anything than I can afford to." That was probably a lie. If anything, he seemed the sort of person to worry too much about everything. "And this isn't just about you. I already told you I want you to join the Survey Corps, Levi, and I told you why. What you did out there, killing that many titans, not many people could do that. I've never seen anyone do that. So, I want you to stay, and I will do what I can to get you to stay. That's all."

Levi felt uncomfortable, so he gave a sort of annoyed huff and turned to the showers.

"Levi. You did get my message." Erwin's voice trailed off, like there was more.

What was he on about? Levi had already said he knew about it. "Yeah?"

"So why didn't you come see me straight away? How long have you been back?"

"I was going to see you straight after my shower."

"That's not straight away. That's after your shower."

Levi turned around again. Erwin didn't look angry, but he usually put on a pleasant face. He had to remember that Erwin was an authority figure, not just any acquaintance. Levi didn't much like authority.

"Sorry." He had resolved to be pleasant.

"Please don't do that again."

"...Yeah."

"Alright, have your shower. Commander Shadis wants to speak to you. I'll tell him you're going to see him at lunch. Please do."

"Yes, sir."

Erwin held up his right hand. "Thanks for the help." Then he left.

After Levi had finished his shower and dressed, he found himself frozen at his door, one hand on the knob. Now what? Was it lunch time yet? He forced himself to step outside, and saw the hallway was still empty. It was probably just before lunch, then. Levi went downstairs and found two soldiers talking in the main room. He asked them where the commander's office was, and if he would be in there at this hour. Apparently, Shadis probably would be at his office around now, and it was nearby. Wanting to get this over with, Levi headed down the hallway they had pointed to.

He had been told it was the last door, but there were two doors on the end, one on either side. He took a guess and knocked on the one to the right.

The tired, squarish man Levi had seen with Erwin and Shadis the other day opened the door. "Yes?" He frowned when he took a good look at who had knocked. "You're... Levi."

"Yeah. I came to see Commander Shadis. Must be the wrong office."

"You know, our names on the doors," the man said, pointing to the brass plaque on his.

Levi couldn't read it. "Sorry, I didn't think to check."

"That's Shadis's office over there. But what do you need him for? Maybe I can help you. The name's Gerhardt Reiss. I'm basically the working second-in-command right now."

"I don't know what it's about, actually. I just know he asked to see me."

"Alright." Gerhardt crossed the hall and knocked. "Keith? Someone to see you."

"Send them in."

"Here," Gerhardt said, opening the door for Levi.

"Thanks." Levi closed the door himself, feeling awkward. He had gotten the impression that Gerhardt had been trying hard to be friendly. It felt a little insincere.

"Oh, it's you," Shadis said, looking up from what he'd been reading. He pushed his paper to the side. "Please have a seat, Levi."

"You asked to see me?" Levi asked when he was seated. "Sir." Now Levi was the one being insincere. He didn't really have the proper manners for addressing a superior, and he didn't like calling people 'Sir,' but he felt it was expected.

"Yes. I wanted to express my condolences, to start."

Levi simply nodded, not trusting himself to speak.

Shadis didn't seem to expect any more. "I saw what happened at dinner. Are you feeling alright?"

His jaw was tight. "I'm fine."

"That's good, then. The main reason I asked to see you is because I wished to inform you of your new placement. You're not going to be staying in Smith's squad."

"He had said something about that."

"You'll be in Anika Meyer's squad, starting tomorrow. Squad Leader Smith will be introducing you to them." Shadis paused. "Anika is nice. I think you'll like her."

"...Sounds good." This still seemed weird. Erwin could have told Levi this without the visit. But what stood out the most was the general impression that Shadis was trying very hard to be amicable, like he was trying not to frighten a jittery, inexperienced recruit. Anika was nice? Okay, great. Why did Levi need to know that? Would Shadis have told him if she was actually a huge bitch? "Thank you, sir."

"Also, I don't know if you're aware of this, but the Survey Corps has a resident counsellor named Georgina. She has an office behind this building, just past the infirmary. It's easy to overlook, if you don't know it's there."

"Okay." Where was Shadis going with this?

"Any of our soldiers can make an appointment with her any time, or they can do so through their squad leader, or me, if they prefer. It's common procedure, when someone has gone through something that might be… traumatic, that we ask if they'd like to talk to her. Would you be interested?"

"Not really. Who determines if something is traumatic enough?" The whole job seemed pretty fucking traumatic.

"A lot of people choose to go themselves. Otherwise it's usually that person's squad leader."

"My squad leader is dead."

"Smith made the recommendation."

He would. "Well, I'm good. I'm not crazy, or anything."

"Why would you assume I think you're crazy?"

"'Counsellor.' What is she really? A psy...chiatrist, or psychologist, or whatever the fuck, I don't even know the difference."

Shadis frowned at the word 'fuck,' but didn't comment on it. "Psychiatrists prescribe medication, I believe. Psychologist is probably more accurate. Really, she does… talk therapy."

"So she's even more pointless."

"It would honestly make me feel a lot better if you went. It's not like a proper appointment. You just go there, meet her, have a coffee. Talk."

"Sounds like an appointment." When that didn't get him a response, Levi asked, "Do I have the right to say no?"

Shadis didn't reply right away, though he maintained eye contact, and Levi understood the answer to be, 'no, not really.'

"Fine, I'll go," Levi relented, before Shadis could order him to do it.

"I know she's free on Thursday, in the evening. After supper time."

"Sure."

"Alright. Don't stress over it. She's not nosey or anything, she's just a safe person to talk to for anyone who doesn't want to talk to their coworkers about something."

"Uh huh." Levi couldn't muster any enthusiasm at the prospect of going. Shadis probably thought he was being rude.

Shadis sat back in his chair and gave Levi an appraising look. "Thank you for agreeing to go, Levi. That'll be all. Maybe I'll see you downstairs at lunch."

Levi hoped he didn't look too eager as he pushed himself out of his chair. "Sir."

He made his way back downstairs and down the hallway that connected the men's and women's barracks with the mess hall. He paused in the doorway when he entered, looking over the tables until he found where Erwin's squad was sitting. Sophie noticed him right away and waved. Tomorrow he wasn't going to be with these people. He could start over with a whole new squad. He couldn't wait for the day to be over.

* * *

Levi felt warm, in a way that he only felt when he was just leaving the comforting cocoon of sleep, still half-conscious, eyes bleary. He blinked once, taking in the worn, brown comforter, before closing his eyes again and turning so his face was pushed back into the pillow. He rarely woke feeling this good, this secure. He wanted it to last.

A strong hand rubbed up and down his side, touching the bare skin at his waist where his shirt had ridden up in his sleep. The fingers skirted under the hem of his shirt, working their way back up to his ribs, pressing into the indents between them. It tickled.

Levi shifted a bit, to squirm from the touch. "What are you doing?" he mumbled into the pillow.

"Waking you up." There was laughter in that warm voice.

Now Levi felt breath against his ear, as a soft kiss was pressed to the corner of his jaw. A body settled against his side, and Levi turned into it, pressing his back into that solid warmth. The sleepiness was starting to wear away, and he could practically feel the gears in his head start to turn.

"Why aren't you letting me sleep? You always complain I don't do it enough."

"We don't usually have the place to ourselves." Another kiss, this time on Levi's cheek. "Izzy's out."

Now Levi felt his interest piqued. "Really?"

"Yeah."

"That's something." Levi turned a little more, and he was looking up at Furlan's face, bright with a mischievous grin.

"It is, isn't it?" Furlan swooped in for a kiss, and Levi leaned up into it, relaxing as Furlan wrapped an arm around him. The kiss deepened, and normally Levi would have pulled back by now, but this time he didn't. He grabbed a fistful of Furlan's shirt and rolled them over, then stopped kissing his mouth just so he could move down Furlan's throat instead.

Furlan's hands were still under Levi's shirt, on his waist, then moving into his pyjama bottoms. Levi dropped his forehead onto Furlan's chest and stilled, wanting to feel it, but finding himself too tired to help.

"Are you falling asleep on me again?"

Levi's eyelids felt heavy, and he let them fall closed. "Mmm."

He breathed in deeply, once. Twice.

When he turned his head to the side, to free his nose so he could breathe more easily, the surface he was leaning on suddenly felt too hard.

Once again, he opened his eyes, and this time found himself staring at varnished wood. Levi peeled his face off the desk and sat up, his back protesting the movement. He was acutely aware of both his erection and his paper dry mouth. He ran his tongue over his gums to moisten them. Gross.

He was reaching for his dick before his brain caught up with him, and he froze. Had he actually been considering touching himself to thoughts of Furlan, only a few days after he'd died? He pushed himself out of his chair angrily and strode to the other side of the room, as though he had something to do there, but really, he just wanted away from… just away.

Cursing his own mind for conjuring that fantasy at such an inappropriate time – and now he had to wonder if there would ever be an appropriate time to think like that about Furlan again – Levi shuffled out of his room with his toiletries and down the hall, hoping he wouldn't run into anyone on the off chance his hard on was still obvious through his pants.

Levi reached the bathroom without incident, which brought him approximately a second of relief before he once again became aware of his dry mouth. He rinsed out his mouth in the sink, although he thought the tap water here tasted a bit odd. Then he simply leaned over the counter to take a few breaths and clear his mind.

There was no use focusing on the negative, so he tried to ignore how ashamed he felt. He busied himself with getting ready for the morning. This would be the last morning with Erwin's squad. Today he was meeting his new squad. He wondered how they would react to him, if they would act like Erwin's team, or if perhaps they were among those who had never wanted him here in the first place, him or his thug friends.

Then he realised they may recognise him from dinner the other day. He had caught a lot of people's attention.

Levi closed his eyes and breathed deeply again. No sense worrying about that. He went back to brushing his teeth.

* * *

Erwin was up early, as usual. He liked having some free time in the morning to think, when it was still relatively quiet. As he made his way to the mess hall to get himself some coffee, he found he was not the only one awake.

Levi was wiping down one of the tables in the lounge room. Erwin stopped to consider what it would be best to do. Maybe Levi would want to be left alone. But Erwin had wanted to speak to him anyway.

"Good morning."

Levi glanced over his shoulder and finished drying the table top before turning around, giving Erwin the impression that he had known Erwin was there all along.

"You know we have people to do that, right?" Erwin jerked his chin to the table.

"I hope you don't pay them for it."

Erwin wasn't sure what to say in response, so he moved on. "Since you're here, I thought I'd ask you to wear your training clothes to breakfast today. Or just bring a change, if you want. Anika's squad goes straight to the training yard in the morning."

"They don't train in their uniforms?"

"Not for boxing." Levi didn't seem to have anything else to say, so Erwin said, "Okay, I'll see you later," and continued towards the mess hall and kitchen.

Erwin wasn't sure if he was glad to see Levi go, or if he would rather have kept him on his team. Maybe it was a bit of both. He had seen what Levi could do when he saw him take down his first titan. Plus, when it came to all those dead titans Levi had been found with, Erwin had guessed that Levi had done that by himself. He hadn't been able to ask. Levi had not seemed ready to give too much thought to those events at the time, and Erwin didn't want to bring it back up, though Levi hadn't denied it when Erwin did mention it. But it didn't matter if he couldn't confirm it. He knew Levi was capable.

On the other hand, Levi could prove difficult to work with. And having him around caused other problems. When Erwin had first informed his own squad that he was taking charge of Flagon's squad, and keeping Levi with them, possibly indefinitely, they had been… less than thrilled.

"I've already told you my thoughts. It seems you mean to ignore them," Mike had said. "I'm not going to stand here and argue with you. I'm done." Mike had gone back to where Levi, along with his and Erwin's horses, had stood waiting while Erwin took a moment to speak to his team.

Emil had stared at Erwin, apparently too dumbfounded to speak, but Sophie had spoken up. "I understand that we have to bring him back with us until we join up with the others, but this is only for the expedition, right? Not longer?"

"This is for the expedition, yes. Levi is not officially a part of our squad. But that could change."

Emil had finally found his voice. "But… isn't he gonna go back home? He's not staying in the Survey Corps, is he?"

Erwin had turned to Emil, trying to school his face into a calm expression, though he felt anxious. He was muddy, and uncomfortable in his soaked clothes, and he just wanted this conversation to be over so they could get back to the others. "I don't know what he's going to do, but I think he could very well stay. Look, I just wanted to get you guys up to speed on the situation, and ask you to keep an eye on him. We don't have time to stand around and talk for long. There are titans here, and we don't have anyone to back us up."

Once he'd started speaking, Emil had not backed down. "Yeah, because you brought us here, away from the main formation. And what did we get for all that risk?" Emil's arm had waved towards Levi. "Just one guy."

Erwin had tried not to be too defensive, but it was hard, especially when he had to look up at the two of them, mounted on horseback as they were, when he was used to looking down. "I had no way of knowing Levi would be the only one alive."

"You had no way of knowing Levi would be alive. There were no signal flares. Sophie agrees that it wasn't worth the risk."

Sophie shot Emil a hard look, perhaps not liking being implicated in complaining behind Erwin's back, but she didn't argue. When she'd spoken, it was barely above a whisper, like she was embarrassed. "It just didn't seem… strategically wise."

Emil had been more straightforward. "We shouldn't have come."

"Are you questioning my decisions?"

"Yes."

Mike had ridden over, pulling up next to Emil. "It's Erwin's job to make decisions. It's our job to follow orders."

Erwin still remembered the look Emil had given him. Searching, worried, like he didn't quite understand Erwin but wanted very badly to trust him.

Despite Mike's words, they were always free to question his decisions, so long as there was time. There hadn't really been time, so the conversation had been cut short, with a promise to continue when they got back to the checkpoint.

Continue it had, mostly with Emil. "He's a criminal. I don't know that I want this guy lying next to me when I sleep. I don't want him watching my back when we're facing titans. I don't trust him."

"Of course he's a criminal. He's from the Underground," Erwin had reasoned. "There are no real jobs there. What is he supposed to do?"

"It's not about what he's supposed to do. I'm not saying that he was dealt a fair hand, because he wasn't. It's not his fault, but it's not mine either, and I don't think we should take a risk on this guy just to prove some point, that we're not bigoted against poor people, or something. The fact is, he _is_ a criminal; that's his lifestyle, those are the people he hangs out with. It doesn't matter how he came to be this way."

"I happen to think it matters a great deal, how things come to be as they are." Erwin had laced his fingers together and leaned his chin on his hands, trying not to show how tired he was. Shadis had been sitting nearby, fiddling with an oil lamp, and it was impossible to tell how much he could hear. "I don't want to just accept things the way they are, even when I don't like them. I want to change things. I want to understand why things happen, because I have never been of the mindset that the present is the only thing that matters and not how we got here. So, it matters a great deal to me, the motives someone like Levi might have."

Sophie had been sitting curled up on the floor in a corner behind the table, like she did not want to be seen. She had been fiddling with what looked like a wood carving, but Erwin guessed that was a pretense to listen without speaking. She only made one contribution to the conversation. "Erwin, have you considered that we're not worried for ourselves as much as we are about you? He hurt you."

Erwin had let that sink in before he continued. He knew how best to appeal to them, knowing their pride in the Survey Corps and the reputation it had for being so close-knit, but he had wanted to really consider their view before simply arguing his own. He had given his team free rein to question him for the very important reason that he trusted their judgement, and he owed it to them to think about what they said when they did so.

"Listen, I'm not asking whether you like his being here in the Corps. That decision has already been made, and I don't need your approval for that. I hate to put it like that, but it's true. But there is something else I want to ask of you. Not as an order, because I can't order you to. Just… be good to him."

"What?" Emil's face had shown total bewilderment.

"We are not like the Garrison or the MPs. The Survey Corps is more than just a military branch. We take care of our own. We're family. You don't always get to choose your family. Whether you like it or not, whether _he_ likes it or not, no matter what he decides in the future, as of this very moment, Levi is in the Survey Corps. That means he is one of us.

"I just want you to do for him what you would do for anybody else here. Try to keep in mind what just happened to him. Those people were his family, and they're gone now. You asked if he was going to go back, but back to what? You saw him, you know he needs a friend to watch out for him now more than ever, and he hasn't got one. The Survey Corps is all he has right now. If it seems everyone here hates him and he feels like he has to leave, then he won't have anything. Do you get what I'm saying?"

Emil had sighed, but he'd nodded too, looking resolved. "Yeah."

"Just do right by him. When we get back home, then we can discuss how you feel about him, and I'll listen. I promise."

Coffee in hand, Erwin passed the lounge room. Levi was still there, wiping away at another table. He hadn't been quite so particular about the cleaning before. Since they'd come back from the expedition, he seemed downright obsessive.

There wasn't anything he could do about that right now. Erwin continued to his office.

When he sat down at his desk, he grabbed the stack of papers lying in front of him, shuffling through them to see if there was anything new.

 _Reassignment Notice_

 _To: Commander Keith Shadis, Survey Corps._

 _This is to acknowledge the reassignment of the following personnel:_

Levi X .

. .

. .

 _From:_ Squad 12, Sq. L. Flagon Turret

 _To:_ Squad 3, Sec. Comm. Anika Meyer

 _For the reasons of:_ Termination of Squad 12

So, it was his turn to sign off on all the tedious paperwork. Erwin signed the bottom of the page, then the next few, identical but for the names. Immediately underneath those were pages regarding the changes being made to many of their squads. Erwin searched for Flagon's name, frowning at it. He had known Flagon well, and had barely thought about him since getting back. He was becoming jaded.

 _Squad 12_

 _Flagon Turret, Squad Leader._ dec

 _Sairam Mar, Second._ dec

 _Levi X._

 _Furlan Church._ dec

 _Isabel Magnolia._ dec

 _Changes Made:_ Squad has been terminated for lack of personnel.

"Lack of personnel" was a rather nice way to put what essentially meant "too many dead people." He would never have said so, but Erwin hated every second of this, flipping through pages filled with _dec, dec, dec,_ one written in clear red ink next to every deceased person's name. There were so many.

Some of the squads were getting new members, but many were simply being terminated, because they didn't have the people. Perhaps it wouldn't matter if their budget was cut. There were so many less people to house and feed, they might not notice the difference.

Erwin's morbid sense of humour was getting away from him again. He took note of the changes and saw nothing amiss, so he signed off on those.

There were some letters from the capitol. He left those for Shadis. There were also a few papers regarding maintenance of their gear, which he left for Gerhardt, because that was his area of expertise.

One of the letters was in Hange's recognisable handwriting, and he fished that one out from the others to see what it was about. It was on official stationary, but it was obvious that was just a ploy to get it in his mail.

[I hate to use ugly formatting like (s) (/s) (strikethrough) in the body of a story like you see below, not to mention notes like this, but this site doesn't seem to support strikethrough or even the angle brackets used for HTML, and I want to make sure all readers understand that that text is supposed to be crossed out]

 _Erwin,_

 _It's easier to get your attention with a letter than it is to try to find you in person. That's silly. You don't spend all day in your office, do you?_

 _Anyway, it's been a couple days since the expedition, and Mike and I were talking and we thought we should get together, maybe have a few drinks. Just the three of us. Maybe someone else, if you want to bring anybody. Let me know what day would be good for you. By the way, you're not getting out of this, so don't ignore me! (s)_ _Mike and(/s)_ _I will come to your office if we don't hear from you. And we'll bring drinks, and you'll have no choice but to entertain us. Never mind, Mike says he won't do that, but I will._

 _(s)Oh yeah, where would you want to go? Remember we were going to check out that pl(/s)_

 _Never mind that too. Mike just reminded me that we were supposed to go to that Field Day bar for his friend's birthday, so we're gonna do that, OK?_

 _Hange_

Erwin read over the letter again. Hange's writing tended to have a certain stream-of-consciousness quality to it that made it hard to follow, but this one was actually pretty concise for them. The poor handwriting provided a second hurdle. So, were they going to hang out as "just the three of them," or would Mike's friend, and all his friends, be there? Erwin didn't mind going out with just his own friends, but the idea of going to a birthday party at a bar sounded exhausting, and not like how he wanted to spend his day off.

He flipped over the letter.

 _Erwin,_

 _Sorry, man. Hange and I were talking, and we were just going to ask you to hang out with the two of us, but then I mentioned I had that birthday to go to and Hange decided we should just go to that at the same time. My bad, I should've kept my mouth shut._

 _Anyway, you totally don't have to come, OK? I know you won't want to. I relieve you of that obligation. I'll find something to tell Hange. Don't tell Hange I wrote this, though, alright?_

 _Mike_

Erwin chuckled before ripping up the letter and throwing it out. He would have to figure out a day to spend some real quality time with them. Maybe tonight, even.

The rest of the papers were all for him personally, which meant he was mostly done. He quickly got to the stack he had left behind for himself.

The top one had been sitting there for a few days.

 _Request for Citizenship for Underground Residents_

He hated to admit it to himself that he'd been procrastinating dealing with this, but he had. He wasn't sure what would happen when this was done with, and had wanted more time to try to figure out what Levi wanted. But he realised that was unfair. It needed to be done.

Skimming over the paragraphs of legalese, the actual form was simple to fill out.

 _One. The request of citizenship is being made on behalf of (if there are multiple people, please start with the oldest adult, followed by spouse, dependants, and children, and then the next oldest adult left; please specify all relations):_

Levi X

Isabel Magnolia (minor, under the custody of Levi X)

Furlan Church (business partner of Levi X)

 _Two. The request is being made for the purposes of (include all that apply):_

There was a check mark next to _Employment._

 _Three. I,_ Erwin Smith, _hereby agree to sponsor the above-mentioned individuals during their probationary periods (which is to last from now until the time said individuals are granted citizenship). I understand that I can be held legally responsible for criminal actions and damages incurred by said individuals during their probationary periods._

There was more, but he didn't care to reread the rest. He wasn't worried about Levi breaking the law and getting Erwin in trouble in the next few months, especially when that would, at best, land Levi himself back in the Underground. But Erwin did give a good, long look at the one word he'd written a check mark next to himself.

Employment.

It wasn't wrong. He was making the request so that Levi could remain in the city and remain employed by the Survey Corps. Levi couldn't just stay on the base forever. He needed to be allowed to come and go freely. But he realised something suddenly, that he hadn't even considered before. There was another part of the form to consider, hidden among all that hated "legalese," as he had taken to calling it after Hange used the term.

 _This request is subject to the conditions listed under "Two," decided upon by the sponsor. In the event the purposes listed therein are no longer met, or no longer valid, this request will be terminated at that time._

It wasn't unheard of for people to be brought up from the Underground to work. They were usually treated poorly, but when they complained or their employers no longer wanted them around, then back to the Underground they went. That was because the employer was almost always the sponsor. It was a terrible system that left Underground residents open to all kinds of abuse, but it benefited anyone who had the power to change it, so of course it never changed.

It would be a low tactic, but that same system Erwin had criticised before could be used to his benefit. The realisation was in fact so sudden that he almost ignored it, rather than think through the implications. It's not like he had done it on purpose.

He could make Levi stay in the Survey Corps. That was exactly what Erwin wanted. So long as Levi's status as a resident of the main cities was contingent on his employment with the Corps, he would never be able to leave without risk of being sent back. Erwin was sure that once he was used to being up here, Levi would not want to go back.

Erwin's mind always went to the darkest places first, when he was trying to keep all his options open. It would be a way to control Levi, who was otherwise an unpredictable, volatile man with no ties to the Corps. It was the exact leverage Erwin would normally want.

It would also be like owning him.

Yes, Erwin's mind entertained nasty thoughts, but he was a good person. He considered it for only a second, out of habit.

He _could_ do that. But did he want to be that kind of person?

He skimmed over the other options until he found the one he was looking for and added his second check mark.

 _Permanent Relocation._

* * *

After breakfast, Erwin asked Mike and the others to meet him in the stables and brought Levi out with him to the field. There were a few squads outside already, some people doing stretches and warm ups, but not many. At the far end of the field, five people were hanging out near the fence, looking like they were waiting for something. They were dressed in sleeveless shirts, sports bras, sweatpants, and shorts. So, that was them.

As Erwin and Levi approached, a woman stepped forward and she and Erwin exchanged a smile and hello that made them look like good friends. Erwin spoke.

"Alright, allow me to introduce everyone. This is Levi." Erwin placed a hand on Levi's shoulder. Normally, Levi shied away from physical contact, but he did not want to make an ass of himself in front of the people he was going to be working with. Plus, Erwin at least had clean hands.

"Levi, this is Anika. She's going to be your squad leader." The woman who seemed to be friends with Erwin looked to be maybe 40 or so, very skinny, with a pointed chin and black hair in a bob. She put forth one arm, as though to shake hands, and Levi noticed some fierce scarring on her arm.

He'd seen her before, while out with Sophie.

"Oh, great." She had finally taken a good look at him. She mostly sounded amused, but there was a worried edge to her voice.

"Is there a problem?" Erwin asked.

Levi subtly turned himself so Erwin's hand dropped away from his shoulder. He had had enough of that.

"We've met," Anika said. Erwin looked down at Levi with an odd expression, but she quickly continued, "No, he was fine. It was me that was being an idiot."

"What else is new?" said one of the men behind her. He was leaning nonchalantly on the fence, as though he did not care at all about any of this, and had a bored expression. Instantly, Levi knew he wouldn't like him. Levi knew his type.

"No harm done, I'm sure," Erwin said. "It won't be an issue, will it?" It took Levi a moment to realise Erwin was talking to him.

"It's fine."

Anika put her hand out again, and Levi steeled himself to shake it. Once again, he reminded himself he was going to be working with these people for a while, so it was in his best interests to get along.

"That's Anika's second in command, Moritz," Erwin said, gesturing to the jerk leaning against the fence. Unsurprisingly, Moritz didn't move, so at least Levi got out of another handshake. Erwin continued moving down the row of people, giving their names as Linus, Karsten and Ellie. Levi was sure he wasn't going to remember any of them.

"You're in good hands with them, trust me. They're a great team," Erwin said. To the others, he said, "Likewise; I can vouch for Levi's skill."

"He _is_ still a rookie, though, right?" Moritz asked.

"Levi killed approximately seven titans in the last expedition," Erwin said as way of an answer, then gave Levi an appraising look, like he wanted to see his reaction. Moritz looked somewhat disappointed to hear that. "He's not going to hold you back. But he is fairly new, so you should be prepared to show him the ropes, if need be."

Anika clapped her hands authoritatively. "Ok, guys, I want you to continue from yesterday." The four other squad members moved further into the training yard and paired off with each other. It looked like they were getting ready to spar with one another. Anika looked at Erwin and Levi for a second, but left them alone without saying anything, heading over to her squad.

"Anika is a good friend of mine, and our squads often train together, so you'll still see me and the others regularly," Erwin said. "I believe you'll get along well with her."

It wasn't really her he was most worried about, but Levi didn't know what to say, so he said nothing. A man with dark hair tied back in a very short ponytail and a beard walked over to them at that moment, holding a clipboard. "Erwin?"

Erwin nodded at him, then turned back to Levi. "Alright, I'll leave you to it. Don't train too hard. After dinner the other day –"

"I thought it was pretty obvious I wanted you to forget about that."

"I can't help but be concerned when one of my squad members is sick. Especially when he seems the sort to never admit he's unwell."

"I'm not in your squad anymore."

Erwin's lips pressed together in a hard line. Rather than respond, he turned to the man waiting for him, and the two walked off together.

Levi turned around and saw Anika standing with her hands on her hips. Her body was turned towards the rest of her squad, but she was looking over her shoulder at Levi. Well, it was time to go over there and see how much better or worse his situation had become.

Levi walked over and stood beside his squad leader, as she watched over the others' training. He didn't know where to start.

"I'm sorry our first meeting went the way it did. I'm not usually so unprofessional."

Levi didn't understand why she was so embarrassed about it. "It's fine."

"They didn't tell me a lot about you, but they told me enough. I look forward to working with you," Anika said, and seemed to really mean it. "We can just pretend that never happened. Start over?"

As far as Levi was concerned, nothing _did_ happen. But then, people up here were so careful with their professionalism. "So we're just going to pretend that you don't secretly think I'm cute?"

"Okay, now listen here," she said, sounding both defensive and amused at the same time. "I meant you were cute in a… 'from Sophie's perspective' kind of way. I wasn't trying to hit on you. Promise. No offense, but you're not really my type. I prefer my men to be tall, strong-jawed, broad-shouldered. You get the drift."

Levi almost didn't say it. He wasn't sure what possessed him to say it.

"Yeah, me too."

He had never actually admitted out loud that he liked men that way, always getting the impression that it would be a dangerous thing to admit. But he wasn't in the Underground anymore, and he wasn't afraid of these people's judgement, like he had been of being judged in the Underground. That, and not having a history of pretending to be straight to these people to make the admission more embarrassing, made him decide that this should also be part of his "fresh start:" no more pretending.

Anika paused, as though digesting the information, or perhaps trying to figure out what he meant. In that second, though he tried to deny it to himself, he felt a small burst of panic in his throat.

Memories of men in bars making jokes about queers came to the forefront of his mind. He could still remember sitting on a ratty old couch, while some of Kenny's friends sat nearby, drinking and trying to out-gross each other as part of some game. He remembered the feeling of shame building in his stomach when, after such brilliant stories as that of a girl having one too many beers and puking in some guy's mouth while making out with him, there had come a story of one of their friends getting fucked up on some drugs and doing another guy. There had been a lot of yelling and jeers, especially when they had been given all the "nasty details" of what guy-on-guy sex supposedly consisted of.

"You're gay, then?"

"Uh –"

"Great. We can gossip about guys. Ellie's too shy for it, just so you know."

"I'm not much of a gossiping person." He felt only mildly relieved.

"I've converted many others before you. What else is there to talk about, if not each other? Can't fantasize about saving humanity from the titans all day, every day."

"I guess."

The slight smile slipped from Anika's face and without it she looked rather grim. Levi couldn't help it when his own frown deepened in response. She must have been reacting to his lack of enthusiasm. He had a tendency to put people in a bad mood. This was one of those times when he hadn't meant it.

"Well, we can't stand around watching these chumps work out all morning," she said with what sounded like forced cheeriness, jerking a thumb at their other squad mates. She turned back to him and eyed his workout clothes. "I see you're dressed for it."

"Yeah."

"Then I guess we should get started."


End file.
